Its that time of year when you wake up sweating and cant figure out why. Did you accidentally wear your thermals in bed? Do you have tuberculosis? No, dummy, its just that its almost Christmas, its your turn to play host, and the list of things that can go wrong on the 25th is long and wearying.

Can I recommend, before we drill into this list, a quick wisdom stocktake? Last year was the worst Christmas imaginable: every plan was kiboshed at the very last minute; non-essential shops closed before wed done our shopping; people who thought they were going back to their families ended up at home and hadnt bought Baileys and crackers and whatnot; people whod battled solitude for a year were stuck alone; people living on top of each other couldnt catch a break; people expecting guests were buried under surplus pigs in blankets, and beyond our under-or over-decorated front doors, the outside world was fraught with risk and sorrow, as coronavirus declined to mark the birth of the Christ child with any respite from its march of terror. Im not saying it couldnt be as bad as that again just that it couldnt possibly be as surprisingly bad again.

There are some bridges you cant cross until you come to them; but others, you can get a head start on.

The turkeys too big for the oven!How did you let this happen? Its not as though this meal is a surprise. Youre right, I am using a harsh, judgmental tone for a reason. There is a tendency when were around our families to default to a mean, buzzing internal monologue of: Youre useless / hopeless / incompetent, a discordant medley of everyone who ever made you feel bad, a proportion of whom, inevitably, are currently in your living room, expecting to be fed. Try not to do this to yourself. (Sure, easier said than done.)

Now, on to your oven/turkey dilemma: it seems counterintuitive to consult the Guardians Felicity Cloake, creator of How to Cook the Perfect and author of many books, from Perfect to Completely Perfect, on a matter of such complete imperfection. Yet Cloake is ideal, with so many solutions that even to count them will calm you like a breathing exercise.

Cut the legs off! she advises. Theyre usually the thing that gets wedged in the oven element and send my temperature soaring. They should be relatively easy to yank off, but as with everything, theres a YouTube video to help. If its still too big, take the wings off, too. If youve discovered far enough in advance, and its just that you dont have room for the turkey and side dishes together, then roast the turkey first, cover it with foil, then carve it and cover it in hot gravy before serving.

The turkey does fit in the oven but you put it in too late and now everyones starving and its still half raw!Cloake to the rescue again. My first reaction would be: put it back in the oven and give them a few more crisps, she says. But if theyve already started drinking, youre in a danger zone. They might sail past appetite on a sea of sherry, straight into Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

If you need to eat now, Cloake continues, Id advise starting with the breast, which will cook first and which may well be ready even if the legs are still raw. Its always worth double checking the temperature with a meat thermometer as turkey brown meat is quite dark and might look uncooked when its not.

If its not cooked at all, take it out, joint it and roast the constituent parts separately. If youre really desperate, bring a large pan of chicken or vegetable stock to a simmer, then take the meat off the bone and poach it in that. It should only take a few minutes.

Your pesky niece was a vegetarian last week and now, suddenly, shes a vegan, but nobody told you.All those failsafe store cupboard solutions for the emergency veggie the cheese toastie, the omelette are out of the window. In a carnivores kitchen, you will most likely be lacking what a vegan would consider the basics of special-occasion cooking: some kind of meat substitute, such as a burger made of pea protein; or fake cheese.

Always have a dairy-free supermarket puff pastry sheet in they last a long time in the freezer, lend themselves to festive presentation and can be filled with anything any mashed vegetable plus something like a tapenade. If theres no space in your oven, firm tofu in cubes, dusted in cornflour, deep fried, will make a random but delicious turkey substitute for your incredibly thoughtless, but presumably dearly loved, relative.

One of your guests doesnt believe in vaccinations.When we think of anti-vaxxers, especially in an intimate, family setting, were often most comfortable channelling our indignation into the territory of health: that anti-science idiot is endangering my health, or grandmas, ergo they are selfish. Undoubtedly, they are much more likely to have caught Covid, and substantially more likely to pass it on, but if this is a deal-breaker, check ahead that everyones vaxxed and disinvite anyone who isnt.

Otherwise, try this thought experiment: if they couldnt get vaccinated say they had an insurmountable needle-phobia you might be much more worried about them as a Covid victim than as a carrier. So what you could be reacting to might not be the vector transmission but character traits obduracy, narcissism, callousness. You almost need to take yourself out of it, in order to get the temperature down. Theyre not doing this to you. Its just a thing theyre doing.

We tend to think about this as a question of etiquette how can I be kind while making sure my boundaries are respected? But the world of political discourse has much more practical research on how we talk to each other across ideological divides. Ellie Mae OHagan runs the Centre for Labour and Social Studies (Class) thinktank, and works on public attitudes related to the economy and culture wars. The person whose methodology I like best is Anat Shenker-Osorio, she says, who divides people into base, persuadable and opposition.

Base tends to mean broadly progressive, humane, reasonable. Opposition doesnt mean right or left, but rather, youre the small segment of the population who cannot be moved, whatever the issue is. Youre ideologically hardline, youll probably read a lot of news and take the information that supports your existing view. First, figure out who youre dealing with. A persuadable person is more likely to express uncertainty, more likely to contradict themselves, more likely to draw from their own experience. An opposition mindset will be characterised by a long list of dodgy or diversionary facts and a great deal more certainty.

With a persuadable person, OHagan says: Dont tell them facts. That doesnt work. Dont myth-bust. What that tends to do is strengthen the myth in peoples minds. Start with a shared value and be clear that you see the good in them. I can see that you really care about making sure that people are safe. I also care about that.

The advice on the opposition mindset is not to persuade them, but in a political context to alienate them. If you dont, usually you end up saying something so bland that youre not really saying anything. In an interpersonal context, this really means, just move on: dont deliberately alienate them realistically, youre probably already not that close but dont get involved.

Interestingly, a (nameless by choice) spokesperson for the NHS said something similar they divide vaccine attitudes into four: accepting; hesitant; resistant; hostile. They only communicate with the first three, and dont engage with the fourth.

Your uncle is drunk and itching to tell some home truths.Theres an argument that one person will always be spoiling for a fight, and that its their Christmas, too. Theyve come all this way, so let them say whatever it is and shrug it off. Often, someone who wants to kick off will do it with a big, unsayable thing that Donald Trump wasnt all bad, or Covid is a hoax, or some other conspiracy theory. OHagan says: The one thing thats not discussed enough is that a lot of people who become Covid conspiracy theorists are people who really suffered during lockdown. Theyre seeking explanations for what was going on, because they were frightened and suffering. Try to respond to the hurt rather than the words.

Equally, some people just get eggy when they drink too fast, on which, my core suggestions are: make your first offer not champagne or any fizzy wine, which people always drink too fast because theyre thirsty and excited, a lethal combination. Instead, make some really weak gin and tonics, which theyll also drink too fast but it wont matter. Then, when they move on to their next drink, theyll still be excited but at least they wont be thirsty.

You bought your brother something amazing and he got you something from PoundlandI had a friend who gave her brother a kidney and that Christmas, he gave her some tights from TK Maxx, and she weathered that. True story. So just have a word with yourself, eh?

Your wifi is acting up and youve forgotten how to get away from one another without screens.The reason Christmas is so fraught and occupies such a central place in our hosting anxieties is parking your unique family dynamics twofold. First, catering at scale is unfamiliar to many people. Second, spending hours in company doesnt suit a lot of temperaments. Introverts need downtime; extroverts feel offended. The core family of parents plus adult kids will usually have its own strategies to deal with all this, but add in some in-laws, neighbours, new girlfriends or boyfriends, and youre back to square one.

My family always used to have this enforced walk across a vast and dreary common, which went on for two hours, and when I describe it it sounds awful, but it wasnt, because it enabled us to split into twos and threes and have real conversations, rather than the stilted performances that whole-family groups scare up round a table. The main thing is to make everything optional and have a few options. Charades / snooze / wash up. Poker / TV / walk the dog. Create legitimate escape routes for people who need them, otherwise theyre really going to give you a pain in your butt by about 6pm.

One of your guests is allergic to cats and youve got six. In the old days, you probably wouldnt have got a cat if it meant your brother or best friends boyfriend could no longer visit, but now, sheesh, 18 months with nobody ever visiting you and acres of home time why not have four?

Hoover like a fiend ahead of time; the hair lying about might have much more of an effect than the animal itself padding in and out. Ventilate well, which you should be doing anyway. Make sure you have antihistamines, but also consider asking your guest to take one before they arrive, although not in a tone of voice that makes them feel like a nuisance.

Its way beyond your bedtime and your guests wont leave!On this of all days, its a conversation you can have ahead of time: who needs to stay over, how those who dont stay will get home, whos driving and will need elderflower cordial. All these practical details will give you a good idea of what your entertainment window will look like. However, our social muscles have atrophied somewhat; weve become less good at reading cues and have simply forgotten what time things are supposed to end. Or maybe some of us are overexcited and want to spend more time together than ever. The first time my sister came over after the last lockdown, she left at 3am. Others are taking time to reacclimatise. We all just need radical openness: dont bother with all the Martha Stewart-ey tips, letting the wine run out and turning the lights up. Just say: Im tired, and Im going to bed, and I know this isnt how we used to do things, but it doesnt mean I love you any less.

The couple youve invited cant stand each other any more.This is one of the weirdest things about the pandemic. Not seeing enough of people outside our household, all couples, I mean all of us, have got into quite idiosyncratic registers. I know couples who have become very saccharine in the way they talk to each other, couples who overshare to a degree that would put hairs on your chest, couples whose tone has become very rough and sarcastic, and none of it is immediately legible, so dont overreact. However, these are your guests you know them pretty well or you wouldnt have invited them. And if they really cant stand each other, one or both parties will probably have told you. Im afraid this is just awks and your only strategy is to keep it off the table. Theyll split up when theyre ready, and Christmas Day at your house is nobodys idea of ready.

You realise your kids have crossed over into cynicism and will never experience the magic of Christmas again. Indeed, last year was probably their final true childhood Christmas, but you were too preoccupied to notice.I would normally quote Marge Simpson Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees, until youre almost walking on them but her children stayed the same age her entire life, so what does she know? The passing of time is just inherently sad.

Boris Johnson has just cancelled Christmas again!A personal view: after everything thats happened, including but in no way limited to the prime ministers own bogus childcare bubble last Christmas, I find it extremely unlikely that anyone will be asked or expected to celebrate on their own in 2021. However, we may be asked to scale our plans right back, and find ourselves in our nuclear families with excess food mountains, or without any of the right food. If this comes to pass, look back over the things youve been worrying about, and you may find some silver linings.

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Your niece is suddenly vegan! How to survive the 12 disasters of Christmas - The Guardian