By Oscar Simone

Santanas Vegan Grill is a fast food joint dishing out classic American fare in a drive-thru and casual dine-in setting. Its legitimate vegan junk food, and theres nothing tongue-in-cheek or ironic about it. Its greasy, cheesy, fried, decadent, and unabashedly unhealthy not your typical vegan spot.

Now, if youre like me and feed off aesthetics, Id stay outside and order from the drive-thru. Inside, the space isnt dirty or unwelcoming, its just soulless. Between the white board menu, blank walls, and lack of any character or branding, it feels like a stripped-down McDonalds thats just been made into a brand-new chain. But its not new and its not a chain. This is Santanas sole location, and theyve been here for nearly two years, with a one-year stint at a previous spot. Theyve had enough time (and success) to warrant a personality update, but everything remains disappointingly generic.

Yet when it comes to the food, that actually isnt such a terrible thing. The burgers come out swaddled in a red and white checkered wrapper, flanked by golden fries straight out of a McDonalds commercial. Its hilarious and also troubling how delicious those flying wax-covered burger replicas look on TV, but I cant deny that they get my mouth watering, and the Santanas burger really looks camera-ready.

I opted for the seasoned fries, not without some post-consumption regret. The seasoning is reminiscent of those Zapps Voodoo chips: smoky, a little spicy, and subtly tangy in a way that can only be attributed to citric acid. Its like they selected a bunch of flavor profiles that dont really mix and forced them together anyway. Im not mad at the seasoning, though I definitely dont love it. Regardless, the fries are salty and crispy and cooked to golden-brown perfection. I can confidently assume that the unseasoned fries kick ass.

My first bite into the deluxe cheeseburger takes me right back to middle school. Its McDonalds Monopoly season, and every day at 3:35 p.m. sharp, were running to those damn golden arches to grab $1 double cheeseburgers, tiny shiny tickets, and a quick peek into the perils of gambling. Everything north of the cheese and south of the patty on Santanas burger is pretty much identical to what youd find at a McDonalds. But the meat and cheese are right there, too.

Food tech has progressed a ton in recent years, and meatless products are becoming harder and harder to discern from real meat, but I think we can chalk up the accuracy of the burger to something else. The Beyond Meat patty on the Santanas burger doesnt have a ton of flavor, and while the texture is undeniably fleshy, it falls apart easily. The taste of the protein quickly falls to the backdrop of the sandwich, in the same way that one of those razor thin McDonalds patties does. Im not a huge fan, but if thats the burger Santanas is chasing, theyve got it.

If youre going to make the trip out to Santanas and, like me, arent really into that classic, painfully thin, saucy, fast food burger vibe, I would recommend opting for something different. With ooey gooey melted cheese, charred jalapenos, and a really good soy-based steak replacement, the steak and cheese is one to try. I wasnt able to get much information on what the steak replacement exactly was beyond soy, but the flavor was meaty and savory in a way that reminded me of seitan. But I wasnt there for the flavor, because the texture was off the chain. It was crispy on the outside and then tough and chewy on the inside, in the best way possible.

Internet critics have said things like I can cook up Beyond burgers at home or You know, you can buy those same chicken tenders at Target. But Santanas, like most other drive-thru spots, isnt in the business of offering customers food they cant replicate at home. It doesnt exist to tickle our most curious taste buds or introduce us to a new type of eating. Santanas Vegan Grill is here to serve the tried and true classics of affordable American fast food, minus the meat its as simple as that.

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