It might seem like a perfect existence but, according to a human performance researcher, you probably don't want all of your dreams to come true.

"People actually feel better when they are striving; when they are in the process of achieving a goal," explains Deakin University's Dr Adam Fraser, who has studied what makes people perform well for more than a decade. "Once they get there, they don't feel as good."

Dr Fraser says he has reached the "counter-intuitive" conclusion that people receive the biggest boosts to their self-esteem and self-worth in times of struggle.Credit:Stocksy

In his new book, Strive, (out Wednesday) Dr Fraser says he has reached the "counter-intuitive" conclusion that people receive the biggest boosts to their self-esteem and self-worth in times of struggle; they feel better about themselves when things are tough than when they are easy.

It's why trust fund kids aren't constantly grinning from ear to ear, he says, or our "participation trophy culture" hasn't led to a generation of extremely happy children.

So, if we can't have all of them, which dreams do we want to come true? Just the simple dreams, like saving for a house deposit? Or do we feel better about reaching our "pie in the sky" dreams?

Dr Fraser says the question isn't the right one to ask; if we want to feel good, the "completion" of a task shouldn't be our focus.

"Obviously, we want to achieve the things we set out for ourselves," he says. "However, the trap we fall into is seeing goals or achievement as binary. We either achieved it or we didn't."

People receive the biggest boosts to self-esteem in times of struggle, feeling better about themselves when things are tough ... than easy.

Instead, Dr Fraser says it is more helpful in the long run to look at the growth and evolution that occurs in striving to achieve the goal, adding that it is an observed phenomenon that the completion of a task rarely leads to the expected feeling of contentment.

In his years of corporate speaking and mentoring, it is something he has seen in athletes after they achieve their goal of the gold, but also in everyday people who finish their careers.

"People work a job they don't like expecting that when they retire they will be happy and get to start living their life, but what we actually see is people who retire can feel very flat, because they stop evolving."

Ultimately, our society has a problem with pursuing happiness, Dr Fraser says. While happiness is still a desirable outcome, we should be viewing it as a by-product of achievement and self-improvement, rather than an achievement of itself.

We think that if we don't feel happy, something must be wrong. But, actually, humans thrive on discomfort.

"We think that if we don't feel happy, something must be wrong. But, actually, humans thrive on discomfort. We can't be happy all the time, and it can be better for us to not be."

So, how do we strive? In his book, Dr Fraser outlines foreground behaviours to view struggle as development (thought processes, whereby a person accepts a struggle as hard but ultimately worthwhile), and well as background behaviours (a more general pursuit of values such as focus, gratitude) that will assist in the change of mindset.

"The background behaviours are probably easiest to achieve, because it's really hard to make people see that something which is uncomfortable is worth it, but you do need both," he says.

"Rather than seeing the strive as the crappy bit we have to put up with on our way to a goal, learn to embrace and be present with the strive. Fall in love with the work."

Dr Fraser is also a fan of encouraging those around you to strive, rather than be complacent. But, is this idea that we must love working at our limits not a recipe for disaster? How can someone be sure that they are helping a friend, or employee, to strive, rather than pushing them into an unhealthy struggle?

"It's about communication," he says. "Often if someone is given a new task or a larger amount of work to do their response is to say something is impossible or freak out. But, as their manager you need to provide the guidance and support. Just because something doesn't seem easy doesn't mean it won't make you feel good."

Strive (Wiley, $29.95) is out on Wednesday.

Mary Ward is Deputy Lifestyle Editor of The Sydney Morning Herald and The Age.

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Why you probably don't want all of your dreams to come true - The Sydney Morning Herald