Why Im going to teach my child how and when to quit – The Independent
Posted: January 27, 2020 at 5:45 am
A few months ago, my three-year-old threw a tantrum. I no longer remember what caused it. Probably I sliced his apple into pieces that were the wrong size or inadvertently threw away the scrap of bubble wrap he wasnt done popping, or some similar toddler-dictated infraction. He balled up his fists and shouted GRRRRR! But then, instead of flinging himself onto the floor in a distressed heap, his usual go-to move, he calmly announced: I need my guitar.
He walked over to his tiny instrument and hauled it and himself up onto the couch. He positioned a pick between his thumb and first finger and started strumming. Weve been playing guitar together since he could hold one, but this was the first time hed made up a song on the spot. The lyrics: Sometimes youll be angry, or sad, or mad, or you play guitar, like me...More harmonica!
Oh, my God. Hes a musical prodigy, I couldnt help thinking. My brain flashed immediately to private lessons and performing arts camps and sold-out concert halls. At the same time, I wondered why I was even considering setting him up for the potential distress I experienced in college over not making it doing what I loved.
Hard work + ambition = success? (Getty/iStock)
I spent much of my childhood playing music: piano, guitar and viola. By middle school, I was focused exclusively on the viola. I had a good amount of natural ability, but I was also driven. I didnt have to be persuaded to practise. I loved playing and I was determined to make it as a professional musician.
I quit viola after a miserable freshman year of music school, where the intense pressure of performances and auditions sucked all the joy from playing. I was so sure back then that the only route to happiness was music that quitting at 19 left me feeling completely lost, not to mention like a total failure.
I was raised to believe in the meritocratic promise that hard work + ambition = success. There will always be people who are better than you, but there should never be anyone who has worked as hard, my dad used to say. Hes a recently retired film professor who loved what he did for a living and believed that ones job and passion could and should be aligned. I believed it, too.
Even more than when I was a kid in the Eighties and Nineties, we now live in a self-help you can do anything culture. Were told to put in our 10,000 hours and cultivate grit and never, ever give up. When we do have setbacks, were urged to rebrand them as opportunities instead of feeling disappointed. Fail up, fail smart, fail forward. Get your vision board. Get your gratitude journal. Get your can-do attitude and mantras and wash your face, girl.
But in the midst of all this well-meaning encouragement to follow our dreams, I think we often neglect to give kids the skills to deal with what happens when things dont go according to plan. So many of us the vast majority hit a ceiling for one reason or another when trying to professionalise our passions. Sometimes we get what we want only to then realise it isnt going to make us happy, so we quit later on in the journey. This is totally normal, yet my peers and I are so hard on ourselves when it comes to moments we feel like we failed. We are constantly measuring ourselves against what we think our lives should look like. And its not getting any easier for younger cohorts.
I often contemplate how to encourage my kids burgeoning talents and interests in a way that also leaves room for him to healthily quit or change course when its the right time to move on. Is my job as a parent to tell him to dream big? To give him a sobering reality check? How do I convey the nuanced message: Work hard for as long as it takes to see a project through in a way that feels satisfying, keep going after that if you still feel driven and fulfilled, and quit if you dont?
I want my son to be able to quit something gracefully without feeling the deep failure I experienced in college. I want him to be ambitious and goal-oriented, but also to be somewhat detached from the outcome of his hard work because there is no simple formula for success despite what the internet tells us. Making it, if there even is such a thing, depends not only on putting in your 10,000 hours and having grit but on trickier variables such as talent, ambition, money, luck and personality.
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During a 2011 Interview with Vogue, actor Emma Watson opened about her failures. 'I dont want the fear of failure to stop me from doing what I really care about,' she told the publication.
Getty
In a 2006 Nike commercial titled 'Failure', basketball star Michael Jordan shared his low moments during his sporting career. 'I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career,' the sportsman said in the clip. 'I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.'
Getty Images
TV presenter and philanthropist Oprah Winfrey talked about failure in her 2013 Harvard Commencement address. 'There is no such thing as failure,' she told the audience. 'Failure is just life trying to move us in another direction.'
Getty Images
Singer Taylor Swift spoke to her audiences during her 2013-14 'Red Tour' about how to have the confidence to keep fighting for succcess. 'Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again even though every time youve tried before youve lost.' she told her fans.
Getty Images for NARAS
Womens education activist Malala Yousafzai spoke about the importance of standing up for what you believe in during an ABC interview in 2013. The 22-year-old said: 'I think life is dangerous. Some people get afraid of it. Some people dont go forward. But some people, if they want to achieve their goal, they have to go, they have to move.'
Getty Images
In Self-titled: Part 2. Imperfection, a mini-documentary posted by the singer on YouTube in 2013, Beyonc opened up about the importance of failing in life. 'The reality is, sometimes you lose,' she said. 'And youre never too good to lose, youre never too big to lose, youre never too smart to lose, it happens. And it happens when it needs to happen. And you have to embrace those things.'
Getty Images for Coachella
In a 2008 Harvard Commencement address about the benefits of failure and the importance of imagination, author J.K Rowling stated: 'It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all in which case, you fail by default. Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations.'
Getty Images
Ending her 2008 campaign for US President, former Senator and Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reflected on her journey. 'Always aim high, work hard, and care deeply about what you believe in,' she said. 'And, when you stumble, keep faith. And, when youre knocked down, get right back up and never listen to anyone who says you cant or shouldnt go on.'
Getty Images
The late American poet is widely believed to have once stated: 'Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.'
Getty Images
Actor Sandra Bullock shared her reflections on her fears in an interview with the Express in 2013. 'I was afraid of being a failure, of not having the best time or of being chicken,' she told the publication. 'But every year I get older I think, "what was I fearing last year?" you forget. And then you move on.'
Getty Images
During a 2011 Interview with Vogue, actor Emma Watson opened about her failures. 'I dont want the fear of failure to stop me from doing what I really care about,' she told the publication.
Getty
In a 2006 Nike commercial titled 'Failure', basketball star Michael Jordan shared his low moments during his sporting career. 'I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career,' the sportsman said in the clip. 'I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.'
Getty Images
TV presenter and philanthropist Oprah Winfrey talked about failure in her 2013 Harvard Commencement address. 'There is no such thing as failure,' she told the audience. 'Failure is just life trying to move us in another direction.'
Getty Images
Singer Taylor Swift spoke to her audiences during her 2013-14 'Red Tour' about how to have the confidence to keep fighting for succcess. 'Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again even though every time youve tried before youve lost.' she told her fans.
Getty Images for NARAS
Womens education activist Malala Yousafzai spoke about the importance of standing up for what you believe in during an ABC interview in 2013. The 22-year-old said: 'I think life is dangerous. Some people get afraid of it. Some people dont go forward. But some people, if they want to achieve their goal, they have to go, they have to move.'
Getty Images
In Self-titled: Part 2. Imperfection, a mini-documentary posted by the singer on YouTube in 2013, Beyonc opened up about the importance of failing in life. 'The reality is, sometimes you lose,' she said. 'And youre never too good to lose, youre never too big to lose, youre never too smart to lose, it happens. And it happens when it needs to happen. And you have to embrace those things.'
Getty Images for Coachella
In a 2008 Harvard Commencement address about the benefits of failure and the importance of imagination, author J.K Rowling stated: 'It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all in which case, you fail by default. Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations.'
Getty Images
Ending her 2008 campaign for US President, former Senator and Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reflected on her journey. 'Always aim high, work hard, and care deeply about what you believe in,' she said. 'And, when you stumble, keep faith. And, when youre knocked down, get right back up and never listen to anyone who says you cant or shouldnt go on.'
Getty Images
The late American poet is widely believed to have once stated: 'Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.'
Getty Images
Actor Sandra Bullock shared her reflections on her fears in an interview with the Express in 2013. 'I was afraid of being a failure, of not having the best time or of being chicken,' she told the publication. 'But every year I get older I think, "what was I fearing last year?" you forget. And then you move on.'
Getty Images
The psychology professor Carsten Wrosch has found that people who are better able to let go when they experience unattainable goals have less depressive symptoms, less negative affect over time. They also have lower cortisol levels, and they have lower levels of systemic inflammation, which is a marker of immune functioning. And they develop fewer physical health problems over time, he adds.
Give time to let a childs interests unfold organically (Getty/iStock)
We have countless articles and books on hacking our productivity and achieving our potential. We are all greatness in waiting, according to the self-help section. How about some books focused on gracefully giving up on something? Or books that celebrate the freedom of letting go of our dreams and moving on to something else where we wont have to beat our heads against the wall? Or books that say its natural sometimes to hit the limits of our ambition, talent or desire? How about we stop telling people that they failed because they werent determined enough or didnt believe in themselves enough? Sure, sometimes thats true. But not all the time. Probably not even most of the time.
Were obsessedwith progress and growth and linear success. But the truth is there are plenty of moments in our lives when we will be better served by quitting than persevering. I sometimes give my music school days the romantic gloss of the suffering artist, but the reality is I was literally sick to my stomach most of the time. My shoulders and back ached constantly. My entire body was screaming at me to quit. There has got to be some distinction between the kind of resistance you can persevere through as part of your tale of triumph and the kind that indicates youve had enough and its time to head in another direction.
More and more Ive come to believe that true grit and resilience are defined by flexibility and adaptability, by not holding on too tightly to any one storyline about who you are or what your life should look like.
For now, Ive vowed not to get ahead of myself in terms of my childs potential abilities, musical or otherwise no small feat in the intense Brooklyn parenting wilds. There is time, I tell myself, to let my childs interests and desires unfold organically, to figure out as a parent when to push and when to pull back.
In the meantime, as my son would say: more harmonica!
And Then We Grew Up: On Creativity, Potential, and the Imperfect Art of Adulthood by Rachel Friedman is published by Penguin
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