Do you underestimate your ability to persuade and influence others?

If so, you're not alone. Researchers have found that people are overly pessimistic about their ability to persuade and influence others, as I learned at the 2019 NeuroLeadership Institute Summit in a panel discussion on the "The Impact of Influence."

As panelistDr. Vanessa Bohns, an Associate Professor in Organizational Behavior at Cornell University, explained, "We think people's default is to say 'no.'" Yet, people are more inclined to say "yes" to requests, based on her studies. The other two panelists, Dr. Dan Molden, Associate Professor and Director of Social Psychology at Northwestern University, and Dr. Marlone Henderson, an Associate Professor in Psychology at the University of Texas, agreed, according to their research and experience.

Granted, requests can run the gamut from asking to change a meeting date to pitching for funds for a new venture. Yet the research surprised me. I, too, jump to the negative and assume people will brush off most of my appeals.

Yet whatever the size of our "ask," we've got to acknowledge that being able to persuade and influence are vital skills in all aspects of our life. (And yes, there's a difference between persuasion and influence. When you persuade, you present a case generally to sway the opinions or actions of others. Persuasion is more short-term and immediate than influence, which builds over time. When you're influential, you're able to present a vision or goal for others to work toward. And then without using any bullying, coercion, or other strong-arm tactics, you get people to work together to achieve your vision or goal.)

Although I'm known as a successful persuader and influencer, I had not been confident in my abilities until recently. Receiving external validation from these researchers that my approach meets their standards gave me a boost, further bolstered by a recent achievement.

What worked well for me? I set myself up for success, as the researchers advise. You, too, can do this at home and at work.

Three actions can make a huge difference in your ability to be a successful persuader and influencer:

1. Talk to people face-to-face. We're much more persuasive in person than over the phone or video, according to Dr. Bohns. As for trying to sway others over email, text, or social media platforms, none of these channels work as well as being with people. When you're together, individuals can observe your body language, hear the entire spectrum of your voice, and catch your emotions.

2. Craft a personal appeal that's tailored to the core values and motivation of the people you're persuading and influencing. Even if you don't know everyone personally or well, be strategic with your messaging, suggested Dr. Molden. For instance, first try to get to know others better. Or if that's difficult in your circumstances, appeal to something people care about and want. For example, when I help my clients and coaches be more persuasive and influential, we'll focus on how they can encourage others to be more aligned with their employer's values and goals as well as contribute to a better functioning team and organization.

3. Follow through with a compelling ask. First, make sure you ask clearly and concisely. (The researchers observed that many people don't even ask. And in my experience, many of the "asks" I read and hear in organizational settings are fuzzy, especially around what you're expected to do and by when.) Even better, make sure you've structured the ask from the perspective of your target. In other words, your ask avoids referring to what you want or need, such as a job, opportunity or selfish favor. Instead, your request explains what someone will get or how they'll benefit by responding to your ask.

So how did these three steps work in my situation? Playing to my husband's interests, I convinced him to delay his retirement by three years. As a result, I preserved my health care benefits during this period, saved more than $10,000, and maintained ideal working conditions. Even better, my husband was content.

What's my specific story? My motivation was admittedly self-centered. I work out of the house and appreciate the peace and quiet of just the dog's company during the day. More importantly, ever since I established my coaching and consulting firm in 2004, I've had health care benefits through my husband's employer.

Leading up to my husband's retirement, whenever we talked about his planned retirement date, I stayed mum about why I wanted him to keep working. Instead, I turned the spotlight on him and kept asking how he felt about giving up his most favorite work benefit, which would disappear the day he retired.

This benefit was a four-figure annual clothing allowance to spend however he liked, as long as he could wear his purchases to work. To say my husband loves clothes is an understatement.So even though he knew I wanted him to keep working to maintain my health care benefits, he also wanted to hold onto his valuable benefit.

Those three years were a good run while they lasted. And the experience demonstrated the positive and mutual benefits of effective persuasion and influence.

Now here's to your success persuading and influencing with these three steps!

Read more here:
Three Actions For Becoming More Persuasive And Influential - Forbes