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SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU: Your yoga teacher may not be as cool, calm and collected as you may think.

You know how yoga teachers are so cool and zen and bendy? It turns out those expressions of serenity are really masking inner rage at the person in the back row who won't turn their phone off.

You know what? Not all yoga is good. Ha! I said it. Just had a vertebra removed/hernia operation/six months pregnant and your doctor told you 'yoga might help?' Then this Power class is for you.

When we say 'notice any intense feelings in this pose and let them go,' we mean 'Stop looking at me like I'm Hitler.'

Don't giggle when we say 'perineum'. Think about the muscles of the pelvic floor. How would YOU describe them?

You in the back, who keeps checking your mobile phone. See the way you're jamming your arms straight, crunching your lower back and throwing your head back? You know how our mouth was moving before? We were saying 'don't do that'.

Can't do yoga because you're 'not flexible'? We admire you more than you realise just for turning up. Having said that, if you insist on contorting your body into the most advanced version of every pose 'cos that's real yoga', then send my love to your chiropractor.

Like you, our Chakras aren't always aligned. But when you've had a bad day, chances are you can hide behind your computer. When we've had a bad day we have to pray like hell to let it go before our 5.30pm class.

Most of the time we have absolutely no idea what is going on in your knee, shoulder, pinkie toe. Here's a tip, if something's really pinching - don't do it.

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What your yoga teacher is really thinking