Warning: This article contains content relating to attempted suicide.

I cant quite remember if it happened on a Monday or a Tuesday, but I do know that the night I tried to commit suicide felt like it went on forever. The house was empty, I was sixteen-years-old. After raiding the alcohol cabinet and filling up on spirits, I scoured the medicine cabinet for painkillers, then stuck a note to the TV for my mum. It read something along the lines of Ive gone to bed early, please dont wake me up when you get home. I started to swallow down the pills, because Id hit rock bottom after a break-up.

The relationship with Jamie*, my first ever boyfriend, had ended because hed slept with multiple other people and I found out after a friend overheard him bragging. For three years, wed been a highly volatile and terrible match. But at the same time, Jamie was charismatic, funny and knew how to please a crowd and at that point of my life, he was all Id ever known in terms of romantic relationships. Because of his good qualities, he was popular, and we had a lot of mutual friends. Friends who suddenly alienated me following the split, so the loss was a double whammy, and I felt totally alone.

Photographer: Maria Jose Roda GarciaGetty Images

After taking handfuls of pills and washing them down with alcohol, I called Jamie and scream-cried nonsense down the phone. He told me, hilariously (in retrospect), that he was about to take a shower and would call me back. Unsurprisingly, he didnt. What follows is hazy. I was sick constantly, throughout the course of the entire night. At one point, I even called myself an ambulance but cancelled it because I was scared that the sirens would wake my mum and the neighbours. In the morning, I finally told her what Id done, and we sped off to A&E.

This reaction to a break-up is sadly not uncommon either, says Professor Craig Jackson, a psychologist from the School of Social Sciences at Birmingham City University. Break-ups can have massive impact upon mortality levels and general morbidity, its a genuine public health problem that society faces. The cost of broken hearts in society are real and hugely impact on the health and social care systems.

"I heard a group of girls whispering about me being Jamies 'psycho ex-girlfriend'"

A few weeks later, at a house party, I heard a group of girls whispering about me being Jamies psycho ex-girlfriend it was a comment that would swirl around my head for years to come, and while the suicide attempt was thankfully a one-off, it wasnt the last break-up I struggled to cope with. I clawed at myself with embarrassment for the way Id reacted and felt as though I had a big red arrow pointing at me as I walked down the sixth form corridors. Things took a long time to get better.

The term "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" (CEG) can be problematic, says Professor Jackson. It can be used as a label by some men towards women theyve been in abusive or controlling relationships with it removes any blame from their own actions, and thereby shifts it onto her, suggesting that shes inherently unstable and defective. Say it louder for the people at the back, Professor! It insinuates that the problems in such a relationship may have been her fault. If the woman isnt coping well with a breakup, it again implies shes defective and possibly even dangerous. When my mental health and happiness did start to improve, along came Liam*.

Someone fell in love with photography

Liam and I were happily together for a year and a half, until we both headed off to different universities. Like a lot of young couples, we split after a few months of living in cities that were over 100 miles apart. But it wasnt a clean break. Within weeks he had a new girlfriend, but we continued to speak over email. I spent my life on edge, waiting for a message from him to appear in my inbox. I became nocturnal, I sat, drank wine and smoked in my room for hours on end, rehashing every single detail of the split and the relationship. What could I have done differently? How had he so easily replaced me? What was wrong with me?

This continued for almost two years. Two long years. Sometimes Id drunkenly message him, paragraphs (again, very in-keeping with the crazy ex stereotype). Sometimes hed reply saying he still thought about me, that he missed me and was too afraid to break up with his new partner as he feared his friends would think badly of him. Those little breadcrumbs he threw saw everything else in my life slide by the wayside. I tried dating other people and definitely hooked up with plenty, but still struggled to meet anybody I deemed to be on Liams level. Friends offered me incredible support but Christ, was I a broken record.

The quality of social support, ability to let off steam when needed, keeping physically active, not relying on alcohol, drugs or food to get by, and having other meaningful relationships, will all have an impact in recovering from a relationship, says Professor Jackson, confirming what I already knew (that wine can only help to an extent and definitely shouldnt be drunk continuously and alone). As does having hope and other things on the horizon to focus on. Individual differences in things like personality, coping skills, mental attitude and personal resilience that can determine how people will fare.

"Id witness friends going through break-ups, they'd eventually move on. I couldn't."

Thinking of Liam was as regular as my own ever-increasing heartbeat, the baggage I carried was astronomical. Yet, Id witness friends going through break-ups with their long-term partners too, and although theyd be sad and theyd want to dissect it over coffee, sooner rather than later crucially they moved on. I simply couldnt. But, says Professor Jackson, thats actually a more common experience than I could have ever realised. Other key factors, he explains, is who instigated the break-up in the first place, as research shows the dumpee (moi, hi, hello) tends to take longer to process the former relationship, as well as the circumstances (infidelity, heartbreak, ties such as children being involved).

Its simplistic to think theres a standard period of time in which to get over a break up like when we lose anything in life from a loved one to a job, or a pet there isnt a set grieving period. Grief, sadness or loss are subjective emotions and involve complex processes that we often have little insight into at the time, and depend on individual personal factors, plus the nature of the relationship with the ex, he explains, easing some of my long-held fears that Im actually a gigantic freak who needs to get a grip.

Ive also experienced serious mourning after less serious relationships too though, like after Max*, who I met a few years back after moving to London. We met approximately ten times over the course of year, with huge swathes of time passing between. He occupied my thoughts constantly I once remember looking at the clock in a spin class and congratulating myself because ten minutes had passed without thinking about him. After we first slept together, he ghosted me. It was the straw that broke the camels back (I was already grappling with major health anxiety at the time) and I spiralled into a pit of depression I called in sick repeatedly until the doctor offered to sign me off.

I became a paranoid wreck, all because of a random guy from Bumble had tipped me over the edge. Whereas most other people would probably have walked away, dusted themselves off after being ghosted, I couldnt my brain slipped back into those ruminating thoughts, fine-tooth combing every text, interaction, outfit Id worn to meet him. When he reappeared months later, I couldn't help but get pulled back in (top tip: if this happens to you, try BLOCKING THEM ON EVERY PLATFORM INSTEAD).

Its actually a fallacy to use the phrase "get over a relationship" - it assumes that people always do get over break ups, comments Professor Jackson. Truthfully, this doesnt always happen. There are some relationships we cant ever fully move on from, and that actually may be quite normal. Wait, hold up never get over? Bleak. I also wondered whether my seeming inability to get over a splintered union was because Im prone to anxiety and depression, but Professor Jackson says there are no clear links there. It seems to boil down to simply falling very, very hard and the nature of the relationship itself (all of which Ive mentioned were pretty intense).

Since and in between these interactions, Ive had various other relationships ranging from one nighters to more serious and emerged from them entirely unbothered and unscathed. But that stereotypical crazy ex label still bothers me. Looking back, at Jamie, Liam and Max, and trawling through old chats and inboxes to examine messages that went between us, its quite plain to see that there was also a lot of gaslighting involved. Which is why the crazy ex stereotype is such a difficult one to navigate I dont want to belittle anybody who is really suffering from harassment from a former partner, but the label isnt always warranted or kind and its definitely bandied about far too often, usually at a woman's expense.

"Now, I dont think I was crazy; I think Id been gas lit and taken advantage of"

Now, I dont think I was crazy; I think Id been gas lit, taken advantage of and am naturally prone to unhealthy thought patterns, which is a lethal combination. Closure is so key. Equally, as Ive now discovered, is putting yourself in the centre of your world. What I mean by that is if you put a relationship, or person, in the centre of your universe, when it falls apart or they fuck up, so will everything else. Work, maintaining friendships, self-care. Itll all go to pot. But if you put yourself as the number one priority and things go wrong youre less likely to lose your head, because youll still always be there, right in the centre. Imagine it like a wheel with spokes coming out of it (the spokes representing all the important areas of your life).

And as for those earlier exes: Jamie contacted me years later out of the blue to apologise for the way he treated me when we were together (and to thank me for stopping him from going off the rails), I don't blame him for our relationship being so messed up or his response to my suicide attempt phone call. We were both young and naive, but are better people now. Liam is getting married soon and I feel absolutely nothing about it. Max, Ive now chalked up as a major learning curve Id never accept that kind of behaviour again. Its terrifying to think that my overdose might have put a halt to my life at such a young age too, when its now better than its ever been, in so many ways. But Im glad for all the lessons Ive learnt from it.

Im now approaching the two-year anniversary of my healthiest relationship yet, its full of respect, honesty and communication. If it ended, of course Id be heartbroken, but I *hope* I wouldnt let myself go back to those scarily dark days of endlessly ruminating on it and self-destruction and thats not because I love him less than previous partners, but because Im starting to love myself a lot more too.

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Read the rest here:
Why we need to stop using the term crazy ex-girlfriend - cosmopolitan.com