Often, a tacit belief that depressed people shouldnt be as depressed as they are also leads family members to minimize the problem, especially as the person starts to get betteras you say your son has begun to do. The sentiment might be: Its been almost a year since the breakup, hes in grad school now, why is he still feeling like this? Why is he complaining about last Christmas? Weve offered so much support. When is this going to end?

I want you to consider that your son isnt self-absorbedhes in pain. And what hes telling you is that he felt his brothers were ignoring his pain, and nothing is lonelier than being utterly alone in ones pain. If your son had cancer, maybe hed feel angry if everyone at the dinner table ignored the fact that he was bald and couldnt eat and had lost 50 poundsbut maybe, too, these feelings would be more understandable to you. Likewise, ask yourself, if he had cancer, would you feel resentful of how hard youve worked to help him out? Would you compare him unfavorably with his brothers, as you have here by pointing out in your letter that his brothers are thriving in their relationships and careers in a way hes not? (Would you write, His brothers, who have never had cancer a day of their lives ?)

If you can begin to notice the ways you and your other sons may misunderstand mental-health issues, youll find it easier to interact with your son. For starters, theres a difference between walking on eggshells and listening to what hes experiencing. Communicating to him, either verbally or nonverbally, that his feelings are irrational or overblown will prevent him from being honest with you about what hes going through, and thats a dangerous situation, because you want a person in pain to reach out, not to isolate even more.

So what can you say? Try any of these: Im interested in how you feel. Tell me more about what bothered you last Christmas so that this year things go better. Im sorry youre having a bad daythat sucks. Im glad you got some restful sleep last night. (Progress that seems small to you will seem big to someone with depression.) Heres what I can do for you (for instance: help you research psychiatrists or therapists; drive you to your appointments so that you go consistently; have you over for dinner if you want some company; FaceTime with you if you need to talk; help you pay your therapy bills; check in to make sure you get out of bed on the weekends). Heres what I cant do (whatever feels like too much for you emotionally, financially, or logistically), but I can help you problem-solve so that you get those needs met. I know youre having a difficult time right now, but you still have to be kind when you talk with me. Im here for you. I know its really hard sometimes. I love you.

All of this sends a very different message from I cant believe how self-absorbed you are or You dont appreciate the help weve given you or Youre being overly sensitive about what happened at Christmas last yearyet it accomplishes something very important. It sets boundaries for what you can realistically do so that you arent neglecting your own care or sense of how youd like to be treated, and it communicates unequivocally that while depression can feel like a burden, your son himself is not a burdenand that you take him and your love for him seriously.

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use itin part or in fulland we may edit it for length and/or clarity.

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Dear Therapist: My Son Is Angry About the Way He Was Treated Last Christmas - The Atlantic