DEARPETRA:I have been in a long distance relationship with a man for ninemonths. We met online (we live in different countries). We've visited each other three times over the ninemonths.

By sheer coincidence, I found out that my boyfriend was allowing himself to be introduced to single women who wanted to get to know single men.

In particular he's been going out on dates with one girl, texting her things like "good night sleepyhead," and bragging about his sexual prowess to her, saying that he makes women orgasm very easily.

I confronted him. He said he was making a new friend, nothing happened, and if they had gone out, he would have told me. He accepted he made the comments about sexual prowess but said it was a joke. Then he accused me of only seeing the bad in him.

READ MORE: * There's no spark that should be there, especially when I look at other couples * He lied about his flatmate, who turned out to be his ex: How do I trust him? * I know it's wrong, but I hate what my boyfriend wears * Still a virgin at 24 - and I want to get it over with

So, Petra, should I keep him or dump him? Does this constitute emotional cheating?

I'm aware he sounds like a d**khead in this story and you might question why I'm dating him. To be fair, we have chemistry and he's always been respectful to me, and I feel like I've now invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship.

Lalitha

BECCA TAPERT

Even if nothing happens, getting emotionally cosy with another's lover is still cheating, says Petra.

PETRASAYS:Lalitha, my lovely lambkin. Here is a list of activities that would represent a better use of your time than dating this guy:

- Standing in a static queue at the post office listening to an elderly lady at the head of the line argue relentlessly with the sales assistant about the cost of parcel post;

- Picking at a tantalisingly dry piece of dead cuticle skin, then going too far and making it bleed;

- Watching The Bachelorette NZ;

- Reading every bit of The Bachelorette NZ commentary you can find on the web;

- Reading a Jordan Peterson book.

So, you get the picture. This guy sucks. Every minute you spend with him from this point on is a minute too long.

What he did was not "emotional cheating," it was straight-up, old-fashioned cheating, regardless of whether he did anything physical with the other woman or not.

And not only was there cheating, but said cheating was utterly tasteless and cringe-inducing. Lalitha, you're asking me whether you should keep him or dump him. Tell me, do you really want to hold onto a guy who hits on other women by boasting about how easily he can make them orgasm then, when confronted by his girlfriend, tries to gaslight her into thinking that she is the problem by accusing her of "only seeing the bad in him"?

Nellie Ryan

Dump him as quick as you can, says Petra.

I think you've got a fair bit of cognitive dissonance going on here, Lalitha. On a gut/instinctual level, you know he's a grackle and that you should leave him.

However, your conscious mind is feeding you untrue and unhelpful thoughts like "You don't want the past nine months to have been for nothing!" and "What if there's no one better out there?!" and "Being single sucks," which is causing you to rationalise and minimise his behaviour so you can justify carrying on with the relationship. Hence you telling me that he's "always been respectful to you," when quite plainly nothing could be further from the truth, and feigning confusion as to whether his behaviour constitutes cheating.

Lalitha, in this situation your gut is right on the money. Your boyfriend "sounds like a d**khead in this story" because he IS a d**khead, both in this story and out of it.

There are four possible answers to your question "Should I keep him or dump him?":

a) dump him b) dump him right now c) dump him five minutes ago d) all of the above.

* Petra Quinn is a 28-year-old professional living and working in Auckland, New Zealand. She uses a pseudonym for this column to protect her personal and career opportunities. To send Petra a question, email her with "Dear Petra" in the subject line.

Stuff

See the rest here:

Is bragging about sex to other women 'emotional cheating'? - Stuff.co.nz