Early on

* Unless you're very lucky, house apritifs are invariably coloured nuclear orange, the result of mixing concentrated apricot juice with the cheapest sparkling wine. A scotch is always preferable. I really don't know why Michelin never mentions this.

* Menu descriptions longer than the meal itself, tending to imply that the chef is a poet and sage: these are to be proscribed, unless the exponent is the incomparable Christian Sinicropi of the Palme-d'Or restaurant in Cannes. In a land of impenetrable philosophers - Descartes, Sartre, Cantona - Mr Sinicropi remains the least penetrable of all. His menu texts wrap themselves around each other into a sort of zenith of incomprehensibility. Thus, from his autumn menu : "A dimension of emotion, of sharing, of palliative exchanges superimposed on an initial approach with a title of nobility in two, three or four phases." In the presence of such genius, one can but genuflect. But other, lesser talents, aiming for incomprehensibility, remain all-too-comprehensible. Thus it is that we shall deduct points for each menu use of (the French versions of) "symphony", "harmony", "ethereal", "sublime" and any other terms suggesting we're in for an apparition of the Virgin Mary rather than a meal. Points are also lost for all references to "the hills and valleys of our region", "traditional peasant practices", and "long-forgotten vegetables".

* "Oven-roasted " and "pan-fried" are obvious points losers. (Where do you expect to roast and fry? In the car boot?)

* Nor do we need to know the name and address of the fellow who supplied the goats' cheese. We're not here to make friends with cheese producers.

Wine

* It is time to state the obvious: being a sommelier is not a serious job. It is not a job at all. It is simply affectation in an apron. The only people interested in a sommelier's services will know much about wine already. They'll be more determined to show off their own knowledge than listen to a wine waiter. Everyone else will go for the second-cheapest on the list, whatever happens. Wine lists longer than David Copperfield are a damned nuisance, and wines over 50 an irrelevance in almost all cases.

* Nor does anyone really want to talk about how the mineral fruitiness of the merlot teases out the marrowy nuances of the cte-de-boeuf. They want to talk about soccer, sex and shopping. So - sommelier: skedaddle. Your presence is losing vital points.

* And it's losing more yet if you are in the habit of serving the wine, then placing the bottle in a stand or on a nearby table just beyond the reach of the diners. This means they're dependent on you for re-fills - which may help you occupy those dead moments between clocking on and knocking off - but drives them either witless or to wrench a shoulder. If people are rich enough to eat in your restaurant, they can handle the wine.

Misc

See original here:
Michelin restaurant guide: an alternative scoring system