Monday, Oct. 21

Kripalu Yoga:9 to 10 a.m. (gentle/moderate). MaMA, Marbletown Multi-Arts, 3588 Main St., Stone Ridge.

Settled and Serving in Place (Kingston Chapter):Meets 9:30 a.m. at the Olympic Diner, Washington Ave., Kingston. Settled and Serving in Place is a social self-help group for seniors who want to remain in their homes and community. (845) 303-9689.

Mother Goose Storytime for Babies:9:30 a.m. Hyde Park Free Library, 2 Main St., Hyde Park. (845) 229-7791.

Toddler Romp & Stomp:10 a.m. every Monday. The folks at Little Pickles have been generous enough to lend the library their playroom for this music and movement program. Little Pickles is located at 7505 North Broadway, Red Hook. Event is free and open to the public. For more information, call the Red Hook Public Library at (845) 758-3241. The library is located at 7444 South Broadway, Red Hook.

What a Way to Start Your Day:10 a.m. Arlington Reformed Church, Raymond and Haight avenues, Poughkeepsie.

Happy Apple Thrift Shop:10 a.m., 24 E. OReilly St., Kingston. To 3 p.m. (845) 338-0833.

Mahjongg:10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Will teach if necessary. All welcome. Temple Emmanuel, Albany Ave., Kingston. Call Estelle Nadler, (845) 657-8476 for more information.

Yoga:10:15 to 11:45 a.m. Mountainview Studio, 20 Mountainview Ave., Woodstock. Mixed level class. Yang Yin Yoga. Classes are $15 with the first class free. (845) 679-0901.

Toddler Romp & Stomp:10:30 a.m. and Toddler FUNdamentals at 11 a.m. Red Hook Library, 7444 South Broadway, Red Hook. Free and open to the public.

Talk:2 to 3:30 p.m. "Conscious Living: Managing Stress from the Inside out." Speaker will be Nancy Plumer, intuitive energy healer, spiritual counselor. Northern Dutchess Hospital, 6511 Springbrook Ave., Rhinebeck. (845) 876-4745.

Math Help:3 to 5 p.m. Phyllis Rosato welcomes all ages welcome. From kindergarten to calculus. Phoenicia Library, 48 Main St., Phoenicia. (845) 688-7811.

Stump Me!:3:30 to 4:30 p.m. Get help with elementary school homework. Saugerties Public Library, 91 Washington Ave. (845) 246-4317, http://saugertiespubliclibrary.org/

Movement Monday:4 to 5 p.m. This program is designed to help children find release from the normal stress and anxiety resulting from their daily lives. Pre-registration is encouraged. Call the Rosendale Youth Program at (845) 658-8982 or email rosyouth@hvc.rr.com for more information or to sign up. Walk-ins are welcome. A weekly commitment is not required.

Fitness Hour:4 to 5 p.m. Saugerties Public Library, 91 Washington Ave. (845) 246-4317, http://saugertiespubliclibrary.org/

Healthy Back Exercise Program:4 to 5:15 p.m. Exercises to strengthen back and abdominal muscles and increase flexibility and range of movement. 28 West Fitness Gym, Route 28 and Maverick Road, Glenford. Fee: $12 per class ($10 for gym members). Anne Olin, (845) 679-6250.

Cards:6 to 8 p.m. Play Pinochle. Ellenville Library, 40 Center St., Ellenville. (845) 657-5530.

Community Yoga:6:30 to 7:30 p.m. New LGBTQ + Allies. This is weekly beginners class taught by Michele Muller. $5 suggested donation. Hudson Valley LGBTQ, 300 Wall St.,Kingston.

Mens Choir:7 to 9:15 p.m. Men of all ages, who would enjoy singing in a mens choir, are welcomed to join the Catskill Glee Club. Community Life Church, 20 W. Main St., Catskill. For questions, contact CatskillGleeClub@gmail.com or call Bob at (845) 389-1503.

Gentle Yoga:7 p.m. Olive Free Library, 4033 Route 28A, West Shokan. (845) 657-2482. Fee $6 drop-in.

Celebration and Buffet Dinner:7 p.m. Simchat Torah celebration and buffet dinner. Rhinebeck Jewish Center, 102 Montgomery St., Rhinebeck. (845) 876-7666, chabaddutchess.com.

Hu chanting:7:15 to 7:45 p.m. with the New York Satsang Society, Inc. Third Monday of the month. Gardiner Library, 133 Farmers Turnpike, Gardiner. (845) 255-1255, http://www.gardinerlibray.org.

Pickleball:9 a.m. to 12 p.m. Kingston YMCA. For experienced players. Free to Y members. $10 non-member day pass.Starting at 16 years old for all play.Call (845) 338-3810 or pballkingson@gmail.com for more information.

Aquoga class:9:30 to 10:15 a.m. at Kingston YMCA. Free to YMCA members; $10 non-member day pass available. (845) 338-3810 or amy@aquoga.com.

Settled and Serving in Place (SSIP 209):9:30 a.m. meets on Tuesday mornings, 9:30 a.m. at Lydias Country Deli, Route 209, south of Stone Ridge. SSIPs are local self-help, social groups which help seniors to stay in their own homes and remain active in their communities. For more information, call ViVi at (845) 331-0155.

Settled and Serving in Place meeting:9:30 a.m.Saugerties seniors meet at The Village Diner on Main Street. Settled and Serving in Place (SSIP) is a social self-help group for seniors who want to remain in their homes and community. (845) 246-3285.

Bridge Games:10 a.m. Church of the Messiah hall, Chestnut St. Rhinebeck. $10. For more information, call Pat at (845) 331-1743.

Computer Learning Center:10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Teaching computer-related and digital photography classes, Kingston Center of SUNY Ulster, 94 Marys Ave., Kingston. (845) 339-0046.

Preschool Story Hour:10 a.m. Olive Free Library, 4033 Route 28A, West Shokan. (845) 657-2482.

Computer Learning Center:10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Teaching computer-related and digital photography classes, Room 201, Kingston Center of SUNY Ulster, 94 Marys Ave., Kingston. (845) 339-0046.

Toddler Time:10 to 11 a.m. Stone Ridge Library, Main Street, Stone Ridge. (845) 687-2044.

Happy Apple Thrift Shop:10 a.m. to 3 p.m. 24 E. OReilly St., Kingston. (845) 338-0833.

Mall Walking with OFA:10 a.m. Join a staff member from Ulster County Office for the Aging each week for a walk and talk. Every Tuesday at 10 a.m. sharp. Meet in the Food Court at 9:45 a.m. with a place for your coats. Hudson Valley Mall, 1300 Ulster Ave., town of Ulster.

Community Playspace:10 to 10:45 a.m. Gardiner Library, 133 Farmers Turnpike, Gardiner. Led by childrens librarian Amy Laber, a singer-songwriter, early childhood music.

Terrific two/three storytime:10 a.m. Gardiner Library, 133 Farmers Turnpike, Gardiner. (845) 255-1255.

Yoga:10:15 to 11:15 a.m. Energy Medicine Yoga will be taught by Maryanne. Mountain View Studio, 20 Mountainview Ave., Woodstock (845) 679-0901. Classes are $10 cash or check.mtnviewstudio.com.

Tots n Tales Story Time, For 2- and 3-Year-Olds:10:30 a.m. Hyde Park Free Library, 2 Main St., Hyde Park.

Preschool Storytime:10:30 a.m. For 3-to-5-years-old, Ellenville Public Library, 40 Center St., Ellenville. (845) 647-5530.

Story Craft and Play:10:30 to 11:30 a.m. together Tuesdays with Janice for children birth through preschool. Come to join the gang of local parents. Phoenicia Library, 48 Main St., Phoenicia. (845) 688-7811.

Toddlertime story hour and crafts:10:30 a.m. For children ages 18 months to 3 years, Kingston Library, 55 Franklin St., Kingston.

Tuesday Tales:11 a.m. For preschoolers ages 3-to-6-years-old, Saugerties Public Library, 91 Washington Ave., Saugerties. (845) 246-4317.

Classes:11 a.m. to 12 p.m. 8 Immortals internal Chinese straight sword (Jian) adapted to Tai Chi principles, Hawksbrother. (You may take both classes, or either Sword or Tai Chi Chuan). Marbletown Multi-Arts, 3588 Main St., Stone Ridge. (845) 687-6090

Free Caregiver Support Group:11:30 a.m. Community Center, 3 Veterans Drive, New Paltz. Join Miss Penny for a fun-filled storytime for the very young. Appropriate for ages 1-3.

Classes:Noon to 1 p.m. Second-generation Yang Tai Chi Chuan, with related Tai Chi Chuan chi gung, Hawksbrother. (You may take both classes, of either Sword or Tai Chi Chuan). Marbletown Multi-Arts, 3588 Main St., Stone Ridge. (845) 687-6090.

Thrift Store:12 to 4 p.m. Margaretville Hospital Auxilary Thrift Shop, 850 Main St., Margaretville.

Story Time:1 p.m. Preschool story time. Early literacy activities and stories for children ages 3-5. Ellenville Public Library & Museum, 40 Center St., Ellenville. (845) 647-5530.

Story Hours Grades 2 and 3:3:30 to 4:30 p.m. Stone Ridge Library, 3700 Main St., Stone Ridge. (845) 687-7023.

Pokemon Club:3:30 to 4:30 p.m. Saugerties Public Library, 91 Washington Ave., Saugerties. (845) 246-4317.

Scrabble:4 p.m. Saugerties Public Library, 91 Washington Ave., Saugerties. (845) 246-4317.

Aroma Yoga Flow:4 to 5:15 p.m. (moderate) with young living essential oils. MaMA, Marbletown Multi-Arts, 3588 Main St., Stone Ridge.

Terrific Tuesdays:4:15 p.m. For grades K-6, Ellenville Public Library and Museum, 40 Center St., Ellenville. (845) 647-5530.

Boxing Conditioning:4:15 to 5 p.m., children ages 7-12; 5 to 5:45 p.m., teens; 6 to 7 p.m., adults. Mountainview Studio, 20 Mountainview Ave., Woodstock. mtviewstudio@gmail.com

LGBTQ Community Acupuncture Clinic:5 to 7 p.m., 300 Wall Street, Kingston. RSVPs highly suggested, though walk-ins will be welcomed when space is available; book your appointment at lgbtqcenter.org/acupuncture or call (845) 331-5300. The LGBTQ Community Acupuncture Clinic takes place in a relaxed and low-lit group setting using points on the ears, hands and feet. Intake takes approximately 10 minutes and resting time (after the needles are inserted) will vary, based on your preference, but is typically 20-45 minutes. $5 suggested donation, no one turned away for lack of funds.

Meditative Movement:5:30 to 6:30 p.m. Meditative movement (a blend of Yin/Gentle/Restorative). MaMA, Marbletown Multi-Arts, 3588 Main St., Stone Ridge.

Scrabble:6 to 8 p.m. Serious (and fun!). Wordplay at Ellenville Public Library, 40 Center St., Ellenville. (845) 647-5530.

Meeting:6 p.m. Town of Ulster Library Board meets the fourth Tuesday of each month. 860 Ulster Ave., Kingston.

Craft Night:6:30 p.m. Highland Public Library, 30 Church St., Highland. Sara creates a new project with tweens and teens ages 8-13. (845) 691-2275 or http://www.highlandlibrary.org.

Scrabble and Other Games:6:30 p.m. Pine Hill Community Center, 287 Main St., Pine Hill.

Open Mic:7 p.m. Open Mic with Cameron & Ryder. Club Helsinki, 405 Columbia St., Hudson. (518) 828-488, info@helsinkihudson.com.

Weekly Meditation:7:30 to 8:30 p.m. Free weekly community meditation at Education Annex Of Wellness Embodied: A Center for Psychotherapy and Healing, 126 Main St., New Paltz. For optional beginner instruction, please arrive at 7:20 p.m. Donations accepted. http://www.wellnessembodiedcenter.com/community-meditation.

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Mid-Hudson Calendar of Events: Oct. 21 and 22, 2019 | Life and Entertainment - The Daily Freeman

In a quote from an article titled Why Straight Men Hate Astrology So Much, lesbian astrologer Randon Rosenbohm puts out a provocative claim. When asked about who she thinks the main followers of astrology are, she says, without hesitation, its for girls and gays.

And while Rosenbohms assertion may seem like a gross stereotype, theres plenty of evidence that shes onto something. A quick Google search will yield dozens of articles examining the same pattern, with titles like: Astrology is Booming, and Its Queerer Than Ever or Why Women Believe in Astrology More Than Men or Queer Astrology: Why LGBTQ People Seek Answers in the Stars.

The association between astrology and queer identity is so ubiquitous, in fact, that last year the queer magazine them published an article about how queer people who dont believe in astrology often feel ostracized by their own community. And in terms of the correlation between belief in astrology and gender identity, theres data to back that up, too. In the very same 2018 Pew Research Center poll cited in Jamie Flynns 20 Oct. 9 When the stars dont align: The failures of astrology Herald column youll notice a marked gender discrepancy. While 20 percent of American men believe in astrology, 37 percent of women do. The poll also shows that racial and ethnic minorities are more likely to believe in astrology than their white and non-Hispanic counterparts.

It is important to talk about who believes in astrology and why it might be useful, something the When the stars dont align column fails to do. So when we talk about the uninformed people who are increasingly looking to fake and meaningless tools to gain a better understanding of themselves and their world, its important that we recognize that we are talking about a group of people that is significantly more female, more queer and more diverse than the mainstream. This isnt to say that any critique of astrology is inherently misogynistic, or homophobic or racist of course its not. I, for one, share Flynns concern that its all too possible for vulnerable young people to turn to astrology in lieu of seeking professional help. But I do think that the answer to the question What value could astrology possibly have? can be found, at least partially, by looking to the identity of the people who practice it.

Why do so many people who are part of marginalized groups find themselves drawn toward astrology, then? Well, there are a couple of theories.

The first is that, at least for some queer people, astrology offers a spiritual outlet and sense of community similar to that of organized religion, without any of the bigotry and conservatism.

Talking about her sizeable queer following, Jessica Lanyadoo host of the wildly popular astrological show Ghost of a Podcast says: Too often queer people are rejected by their families and the religious institutions that they grew up in Astrology offers a totally non-denominational and non-judgmental method of connecting to the Divine. Astrology, then, carves out an important middle ground. Its a space for people who are still very spiritual but who, for some reason or another, might feel alienated by organized religion to find meaning and belonging.

Another theory, like Flynn suggested, is about coping with stress and making sense of a senseless world. In a 1982 study profiling the people who consult astrologers, psychologist Graham Tyson came to the conclusion that consulting an astrologer is a response by an individual to the stresses with which he or she is faced. It makes sense, then, that women, LGBTQ+ people and people of color all of whom have been reported to have higher levels of stress would be the ones to turn to astrology. When youre constantly handed the short end of the stick in part because of your race, your gender, your sexuality or some combination of the three, there is a certain comfort and a certain value in understanding that not everything is in your control.

For the record, I dont believe in astrology at all: Im just about as big of a skeptic and a cynic and a textbook-thumping hard-scientist as you can get. But even as someone who has only ever looked at astrology from an ironic distance, I still see how it can serve as a great tool for self-reflection. Astrology hands down labels and explanations and asks people to figure out to what extent those explanations apply to their own lives.

To have a conversation with someone about whether or not you seem like a Sagittarius, for example, isnt just a vapid, passive exchange where you trade clichs and then blindly submit to the will of the universe. In fact, its the exact opposite: its an active and engaging interrogation of the self. When youre asking people if they think you are, in fact, generous and idealistic, but also impatient, like Sagittariuses are supposed to be, what youre really asking is: Is this how you see me? and Is this how I see myself? Even if the impetus for these conversations is pseudo-scientific, it doesnt mean that the conversations themselves are unimportant. Astrology forces you to grapple with your identity by daring you to disagree with the proscribed personality trait. The real understanding doesnt come from being handed a label, but how you try to make sense of it.

As someone who has struggled with how exactly to label myself ever since I realized that I was attracted to women, I find that there is a lot in common with the way both astrology and my sexuality force me to try out different labels and explain who I am to other people.

Maybe astrology speaks to women, queer people and people of color because they are already forced to see themselves from outside themselves: forced to explain what it means to be a woman, what it means to be trans, what it means to be Latinx and so on in a society that was not built with their existence in mind. Maybe astrology serves as a fun, low-stakes way to continue to think about ones identity outside of oppressive social structures.

Or maybe it is about finding a spiritual refuge outside of religion. Or maybe it is about coping with stress. But whatever the reason, if astrology really is a part of life for a lot of marginalized people and it is then it probably does serve an important function.

And even if you think that astrology really is ruining peoples lives and has absolutely nothing of value to contribute, then it is more important than ever to think about the kind of people that astrology attracts. Are girls and gays being failed by doctors, by mental health professionals, by organized religion and by the self-help industry? Is that why they are turning to astrology? Or do they just know how to have more fun?

Allie Arnold 20 can be reached at allison_arnold@brown.edu. Please send responses to this opinion to letters@browndailyherald.com and op-eds to opinions@browndailyherald.com.

Excerpt from:
Arnold '20: Who we talk about when we talk about astrology - The Brown Daily Herald

Relationships take work. Every couple fights; the most common arguments stem from money and delegation of responsibilities, but not every couple takes the time to step back to truly assess and work on their relationship. Relish is the relationship training app that gives couples a convenient and personalized way for couples to strengthen their relationship. The app provides unlimited access to a qualified relationship coach and uses machine learning to generate a customized, scientifically-backed relationship plan. Users can use Relish alone, or with their partner. It costs $99.99 a year per couple to belong to the platform, a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness.

AlleyWatch sat down with Relish CEO and FounderLesley Eccles to learn more about the app thats fueling healthier relationships through technology. Eccles is a serial entrepreneur who cofounded FanDuel with her husband and its the experience of building a high-growth company and the close interpersonal relationships involved that inspired the idea for Relish.

Tell us about the product or service that Relish offers.

Relish is the first-ever truly customized relationship training app that makes it easy to build a happy, healthy, more connected relationship with your partner. It offers unlimited one-on-one access to a qualified relationship coach and uses machine learning to create a customized, scientifically-backed relationship plan in the form of interactive lessons. Relish teaches active mindfulness to help individuals or couples become more conscious of how they approach their relationship, discovering improved communication, deeper connection and more intimacy.

How is Relish different?

Relish stands out amongst competitors with its unlimited, one-on-one support from qualified relationship coaches and its truly customized relationship plans. Relish values human connection, so the app includes unlimited messaging with highly experienced coaches, interactive quizzes, journaling, and a supportive and thriving community.

What market does Relish target and how big is it?

Relishs ideal user is someone in a long-term relationship (1+ years) who is open to working on themselves and on their relationship. They understand the value of that and are committed to improving their communication and deepening their connection with their partner. They also understand that being more conscious of their mindset is the first step to a healthy and intimate relationship. Users can use Relish at their own pace either together or alone.

There are more than 122M married individuals in this country, and in a recent survey, only 8M of them describe their relationship as perfect. This number doesnt account for people in long-term relationships who are unmarried, so the overall market is even bigger.

What is the business model?

Relish is an annual subscription of $99.99 per year per couple.

What inspired the start of Relish?

The idea for Relish came about in the months after I left FanDuel at the end of 2017. Many of us felt pretty broken after our experience at FanDuel (you can read more about that in Albert Chens new book, Billion Dollar Fantasy) and I realized that the only thing that kept us all sane through the period was the strength of our relationships with each other in the team, with our partners, our family, and our friends. Thats whats important in life. I knew that whenever I had issues in my relationship with my husband (who I cofounded FanDuel with) I didnt really have anywhere to go for advice on what to do. I turned to self-help books. I wanted to find a way to use technology to make that process easier, better and affordable. I wanted to use technology for good to bring people together, help them build deeper connections with each other and ultimately get more affection and intimacy.

Who do you consider to be your primary competitors?

A couple of other relationship apps on the market and Google search results.

What are the milestones that you plan to achieve within six months?

We are launching internationally by the end of the year.

What is the one piece of startup advice that you never got?

Make sure you do deep due diligence on your investors. Taking investors who have some element of control of your company is like getting married. Not many people get married after a couple of dates. You will be working with your investors for a long time, through plenty of ups and downs. Like a romantic relationship, you only know the true nature of your investor when everything in the garden isnt rosy. When the baby wont sleep, when youre exhausted, when youre having issues at work thats when you know how your partner will truly support you. Its the same with investors.

If you could be put in touch with anyone in the New York community who would it be and why?

I would love to meet anyone who really understands the importance and value of relationships and is excited about helping people make the most of their lives.

I would love to meet anyone who really understands the importance and value of relationships and is excited about helping people make the most of their lives.

The definition of success should not be how much money youve made, and certainly not how many billion-dollar companies youve built its about who is there for you when it matters.

Why did you launch in New York?

I moved here three years ago from Edinburgh in Scotland. We had wanted to move here for years FanDuels HQ was here and we traveled back and forth for years. We had been too busy building FanDuel to take the time to make the move. Finally, we did it and couldnt be happier here! Im excited to see how much the tech ecosystem has changed and grown even in the past five years. I genuinely believe its the best place in the country to build a tech company.

Where is your favorite fall destination in the city?

At this time of the year, I love to escape upstate and go apple picking with our kids. We probably get more excited about it than they do though!

Excerpt from:
Relish is the Relationship Training App That Uses Machine Learning to Bring Happiness to Couples - AlleyWatch

No matter what challenges you are facing cancer, caregiving, addiction, behavior disorders and many more there are local and online support groups where you can talk to people who understand. Those who are struggling with similar situations, others who have found ways to cope, and professionals who often facilitate meetings can all provide a shelter where you can express your honest thoughts, hear what has worked for those around you, and find compassion and strength in the words of other people.

Gatherings sponsored by reliable organizations will emphasize confidentiality and respect for all members. Usually, there are rules that keep one person from monopolizing the time and also allow for breaks. Facilitators, professional or peer, are there to help conversation run smoothly, not necessarily to give advice, unless there is a special informational topic. Just talking can ease the burdens you carry.

Schedules vary, and meetings are held in community centers, hospitals, churches, and other places. It is okay to telephone the contact person before you visit if you would like to ask questions or get an idea of what the group is like.

Most support groups are offered free of charge to participants. Many are for adults, but some like those at The Link Counseling Center in Sandy Springs, Georgia include specific groups for children and teens among their programs. Other grief groups may be general or divided by type of loss (spouse/partner; child, for example).

You may live in a rural area with few opportunities for this type of support. If so, consider an active online group. Open chat or forums that work much like message boards create communities where members get to know each other even if they keep their real identity secret.Giving too many details, posting pictures or including other identifying information are not good ideas online. Forums are open 24/7/365, and members will answer whenever they can. Check to see when the most recent posts were made to get an idea of how active the group is.

Your needs are also unique. Ask your health care provider, local hospital or mental health center for recommendations. Many medical centers provide community education for supporting those with diabetes and other health problems, as well as exercise programs though some of these may have an associated cost.

One example is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Search their national website for local chapters. These meetings, usually monthly, offer tons of information about mental illnesses, medications, and related issues.

Their education programs range from help for parents taking care of those younger than 22 with mental conditions to a 12-week course (also in Spanish) for family members and friends. There is advice for and help with understanding those in the military who struggle and also specific information for law enforcement and other first responders.

Adults with mental illnesses or behavior disorders can find practical suggestions for coping in todays world, whether related to self-care, handling jobs, or social interaction with family and friends. NAMI encourages advocacy and helps address legal issues and legislation while seeking to comfort individuals and families.

At meetings, you might find books, informational pamphlets, activities and other local resources or events that could help you. Ask questions. Listen. Sometimes, a topic may be suggested, but most of the time, the group members take the conversation where they need it to go.

If you want to attend but are not ready to talk about yourself or your situation yet, it is normally fine just to listen until you feel more comfortable. Emotions can sometimes cause people (including you) to feel embarrassed, but that is just a feeling. Thoughts and feelings are often not truth. Some are based in negative comments heard from other people; some come from fears that can be handled. Change is possible. A support group meeting is one of the few places where people really do understand because they can relate to you. Theyve been there, too.

Never be ashamed of seeking help. If you do not find what you need in one group, try a different one. But plan to attend a few times first to see what the group is really about and how it works.

Stepping out like this does take courage, and that is something you can find within yourself. If you have a friend or family member who would go with you, that is an option. But you will soon feel a warm and friendly welcome when you walk through the door. Finding the right support group is a lot like finding new family members, new friends who will assist you in what you are trying to do.

It is easy to be your own self-critic. The interesting thing about that concept is we are often much harder on ourselves than we would be on friends or family members in the same situation. Remembering that can make joining a support group easier. Be open to shifts in your perspective.

Life is so full of stress and unexpected obstacles that everyone probably needs a good support group at one time or another. You are making your life better; that is a very worthy goal. Be your own advocate, and find your way through the problems you face.

Take all of the help you can find.

Related Articles

Link:
Support Groups: Are They for You? - PsychCentral.com

Censorship in prisons is the biggest First Amendment violation in America. Yet it remains one of the least talked about and least examined.

[W]ith prisons, weve created an opaque system. Until recently, not many people witnessed the day-to-day activities inside of prison and thus our perceptions have been guided by the most outlying vignettesfictional portrayals of prison life, like in Oz, or media coverage of riots and other violence. So when prison censors tell us that something is necessary to maintain security, its easier to believe that security could be easily compromised and that these guards have the expertise to assess the risk correctly, said Michelle Dillon, a representative of the Human Rights Defense Center (HRDC) and Books to Prisoners.

Paul Wright, Director of HRDC, is more direct about why theres such tremendous censorship in prisons. [W]e live in a fascist police state where the control of the population through armed state violence is paramount and that includes restricting the flow of ideas and writing and reading itself,

It is steadily increasing and this mirrors society at large with the exponential expansion literally and figuratively of the police state and the surveillance state and this ranges from the obvious (more cops, prosecutors, guards, more prisons, more jails, etc.) to the technological of having better, cheaper means to surveil, control even kill people, he added.

As part of Banned Books Week in 2019, PEN America drafted a policy paper that goes deep into the realities of censorship in American prisons.

Its become increasingly clear to us how widespread and systemic this problem is, and how the national trend is towards more restrictions on the right to read, not less. We wanted to try to help re-orient the conversationtowards the necessity of upholding the right to read, and pushing back against these restrictions, said James Tager, Deputy Director of Free Expression Policy and Research at PEN America. One of the reasons we felt so strongly about the need for this report is to highlight how this is an issue of access to literature, not just a prison reform issue. We want readers and writers across the country to get upset about this.

Key findings include the reality that books about race and civil rights are among the most likely to be banned; that theres no meaningful insight into what and how books are banned (this job is often relegated to the mailroom and arbitrary decision making occurring therein); and what content-neutral bans are, as well as how being selective in the vendors from which incarcerated individuals can receive books further hinders access.

PEN America notes that, despite the fact those in prison can argue for their First Amendment rightsparticularly when it comes to book bans and censorshipmany do not because of the fear of retribution.

As more reports surface about the reality of prison censorship, and more organizationsnonprofits, newsrooms, legal, and othersstep forward to advocate on behalf of the populations behind bars, more needs to be said and done about one of the biggest hindrances to change. Prison book donation policies across the U.S. vary by state, are inconsistent, and willfully create barriers that make even understanding the vastness of the problem incomprehensible.

The lack of open reporting, of open access to banned books lists, and the silence to those inside the system, as well as outside it, further harms this sensitive population who, as research continues to show, are less likely to experience recidivism when given access to books.

This period is one of the first times when these restrictions are being examined by a wide audience; in other words, a lot of the conferred latitude has happened by simple lack of both internal and external oversight, said Dillon.

A letter included in the book Dear Books to Prisoners, a compilation of letters sent from incarcerated individuals to prison book donation organizations, reads: [Its] the only chance of hope to escape the madness prisons are known for. I am free as I chase word by word, page by page! 500, 1000, even 2000 pages are never enough.

Each U.S. state operates their prison systems independently, meaning that the policies about what they do and dont allow in the mail for people who are incarcerated vary. The policies tend to be state-wide, and as outlined in the PEN America report:

[P]rison officials generally have broad latitude to ban books based on their content, including the prerogative to develop their own rationales for why a book should be blocked. They usually do so on one of several grounds:

As the report states, many of these guidelines are not inappropriate. But because the decisions about materials are made within the prisoneither in mail rooms or by committees comprised of those who work for the systemthere is significant latitude in interpreting these policies. Weve seen this in prison censorship cases in states like Ohio and New Hampshire, as well as in Washington state, where it became clear that scanning for single words without context led to the removal of material with no rhyme or reason, despite claims that it was because of contraband being smuggled in the books.

That latitude thrives in the prison system. Operating as a hierarchy means that censorship can happen across many arenas, without communication between and among individuals within a given prisonand even more so on a state level, despite state-wide policies meant to be uniform. PEN notes that content-based censorship often occurs in the prison mailroom or in the prison libraryon the individual level. In the prison mailroom, individual officers are empowered to decide whether a book will be allowed to reach its intended recipient, or not, and there arent formal processes for such decisions. The decisions dont require explanations or meaningful insight. This means there may be zero documentationas to why or how certain titles were deemed unacceptable.

Trager notes that by virtue of the system operating like a system, censorship becomes an ingrained part of the process. But it doesnt need to.

[J]ust because censorship thrives in such a system, does not mean we need to accept it as another fact of life. More meaningful review mechanisms, more transparent and clearly-defined rules over what constitutes grounds to ban a book, more consistent application of these rules, a standard of review that recognizes and values the literary merit of a challenged book, training and regulations that explicitly incorporate First Amendment principlesall of these represent steps we should take to help ensure that the urge to censor is not running rampant in our prisons.

In addition to individual-level censorship, theres institution-wide censorship. As PEN describes: Individual prisons may create their own institution-specific rules about which books are allowed. As a result, certain books may be allowed in one prison and banned in another.

Theres also state-wide censorship. PEN notes that this is where banned books make a state list, following the removal from individuals or individual institutions. They explain: State departments of correction may have a list of banned books, which often include thousands of banned titles. Such lists often codify and formalize the practices of prison mail rooms towards certain books, turning institution-wide norms into an automatic statewide ban. Its at the state level where states like Arizona, Florida, and Illinois, among others, have developed such lengthy lists of banned books.

These banned books lists are not made public, except for in a small number of states. Those states dont make them readily available, though, requiring Freedom Of Information Act (FOIA) requests to acquire them. What a FOIA request might include, though, is anyones guessand updates to lists that do exist arent necessarily made public or accessible, either.

Organizations working on behalf of incarcerated populations, and not to mention the general public (including loved ones of those who are incarcerated), are left in the dark as to what books are allowed and which arent. Its quite likely that despite how much information has been requested and collected by advocacy groups, there are even steeper realities of censorship in American prisons of which were completely unaware. A lack of documentation, oversight, and procedures further hinder the First Amendment rights of those behind bars.

The Human Rights Defense Center has tracked state-by-state policies. According to their records as of writing, only two states have their banned books lists available online: Pennsylvania and Washington state. Pennsylvania updates their list quarterly, and Washington is known to update theirs frequently.

The work done by HRDC, particularly through their legal actions, as well as various prison book groups and advocates has forced some states to become more transparent about their policies.

Prison book programs are better networked and can share information about suspected restrictions and we have more people who are interested in prison advocacy in general. Digital portals and email have made public record requests easier than the days of physically mailing letters back and forth, so we have better access to these banned books lists, says Dillon. She notes that states like Colorado and Washington have made changes to their own policies in the wake of litigation.

An ACLU-led lawsuit in 2000 reached a settlement in 2004 in Colorado, which led to more open records about the scope of prison censorship, while Dillon notes that Washington is responsive, particularly to prison book advocates, because [they] have been sued into oblivion by HRDC. A complete list of HRDC-led litigation in the manner of prison censorship gives some insight into where, why, and how some states are less opaque in their polices and processes.

Such is not the case in other states. Alaskas DOC required $2000 for access to prison book ban logs when requested by the HRDC, with similar charges requested by Kentucky and Idaho. Alabama requires $25 for any public records request sent to their DOC, meaning that it costs $25 to be told they probably dont have them (as Dillon notes, they had to be persuaded not to charge another $25 for a follow up explanation). New Mexico, like many states with little oversight into their processes, regularly misunderstands information requests, sending organizations like the HRDC into a nonstop email chain with no answers to their initial inquiries.

When books are banned, theres no precedent for how review occurs, were one requested. The U.S. Supreme Court has said that prisons must have an appeals process wherein the original reviewer isnt part of the final decision, but as PEN notes, there is no requirement that this reviewer be independent of the prison system, nor are there any other meaningful criteria regarding the reviewers qualifications. The result is a review system that fails to operate as a serious check on prison censorship.

And further, with the power in the hands of the states, there are additional complications when it comes to record maintenance.

[P]ublic record laws, being state-based, are often very weak and so its difficult in general to get information from a state. Because of the general culture of policing and prisons, which creates an us and them, and prison advocates may be seen as opposition trying to undermine prisons and the livelihood of staff, or to criticize them; its a defensive position. Or maybe because theres no national requirement for data collection, especially on this issue, so a lot of prison systems are genuinely at a loss how to respond to a request for non-existent data, said Dillon.

Another challenge is the means by which books are allowed to reach the incarcerated. PEN calls these content-neutral bans and defines them as often implemented as part of a Secure Vendor program, by which the prison allows incarcerated people to purchase packages only from certain pre-approved vendors. Because these restrictions are based not on the content of certain books but instead aimed at restricting books-as-packages. These, PEN states, are actually far more damaging than the blanket book bans.

A letter published in Dear Books to Prisoners from Books to Prisoners. Demetrius shares what books have meant to him while incarcerated, with a pull quote on the left reading Sometimes I feel without the books I receive I might go crazy.

With content-neutral bans, as seen with banned books lists, the information varies state by state. They include:

Content-neutral book banning policies are becoming more and more restrictive, and it seems like every few months we find out another policy has been quietly rolled out somewhere in the country, says Trager.

What each state determines as an appropriate vendor indeed sometimes makes little sense at all. In some states, such as Indiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, and Wyoming, set up one of their requirementsand in some cases the sole allowancebooks to be sent from the publisher.A number of the previously-listed states, along with a handful of others, include book stores, approved vendor, and book distributors among their restrictions. Some states, like Louisiana, allow each facility to determine from whom books may be received (though in Louisiana, family are not approved).

Jackie Snow, volunteer with D.C.s Books to Prisoners program, which has been in operation since 1999 and sends nearly 6,000 packages a year to people in prison across 35 states, notes that these vendor limitations are one of the biggest emerging censorship issues.

We are seeing more prisons try to do tablets or restrict to certain vendors (who they might get some sort of financial incentive for each sale). A lot of the stated concern is about contraband being smuggled in via books. Our group goes out of the way not to send any books that prisons worry about, like books with water damage, which could be dissolved drugs, or any coloring books with pages already colored in, which is also a way drugs have been smuggled in. More prisons are restricting the books we can send to only being in new condition, which makes our work a lot harder since most donations are not brand new books. Being in D.C. doesnt help since most of these issues are decided state level, she said.

Requiring a book come from the publisher is a significant hurdle for prisoners, and it privileges some materials over others. In some states, its made more difficult with language that doesnt distinguish what publishers are allowed to send materials and which arent.

Its a huge obstacle for people who are incarcerated and limits their access to a full range of reading materials. This is also a big component of the litigation by the Human Rights Defense Center, since so many prisons have an inclination to: (a) Disbelieve that a publisher is actually a publisher (think of all the tiny publishing houses out there) and will falsely reject books because of this rule, and (b) Not understand that many publishers dont necessarily sell directly but may sell to book stores who then provide books from a central distribution hub, explains Dillon.

Wright adds, The reality is it deprives friends and families of the ability to share books and to the extent prisoners are overwhelmingly poor and their families are as well it imposes additional barriers to access books and information. The corollary to this is policies that ban used books, even if they come from book vendors or sellers.

New Hampshires policy for books to prisoners, for example, notes that materials may be introduced into the mail by a bona fidepublisher or bona fide bookstore and prepaid by direct subscription only. The policy does not note what bona fide means when it comes to a publisher or to a bookstore.

In 2018, New Yorks limitation to books from publishers brought light to how restrictive these policies and relationships can be. The approved list of publishers included only six options. The policy was overturned, in part because of significant media attention and the work of advocacy groups like Books Through Bars NYC.

Michigans current policies for books to prisoners are among some of the most restrictive and most challenging to shift. No used books are allowed, and new books must be purchased through one of three vendors approved by the state. The vendors include Edward R. Hamilton Bookseller, Prison Legal News/Human Rights Defense Center, and Schuler Books & Music. Additionally, those with visual impairments are allowed materials from National Library of Congress, Service for the Blind and Physically Handicapped, and American Printing House for the Blind and those seeking certain non-used religious publications have a list of approved vendors as well.

The HRDC is currently pursuing legal action against the Michigan Department of Corrections for its censorship to the incarcerated.

As was seen in Ohio earlier this year, these pre-approved lists of vendors can lead to more questions about the nation of the relationships between the institution and the vendor. If a vendor has a monopoly, they can increase the prices of their materials to the already-vulnerable population who likely could not afford the book.

Public outcry has been beneficial in these censorship cases, as has been seen in places like Washington state.

Its heartening that many of these policies are scrapped or revised after public outcry, says Trager, but we cannot have public outrage as our most effective means of oversight. We need systemic change to address a systemic problem.

I personally do believe that advocates are being more vocal about this issue. But we have to remember that there is little public visibility into this. There is zero doubt that there are many more instances of arbitrary or irrational book banning in our prisons, of which we are woefully unaware, he adds.

As a result of the lack of transparency about books being banned in prisons, the creators of the censored books are often unaware that their books have been restricted. Authors who write booksforthis population, hoping to offer them guidance, insight, education, and hope, frequently do not know their titles have been withheld, unless they seek out the banned book lists by state. Even then, with documentation inconsistent and frequently out of date, the reality of the situation can be unknown.

Terri LeClercq, the author of Prison Grievances, which was banned in Kansas and Illinois until intervention, finds her book still unavailable in other state institutions.

Writtenforthose experiencing incarceration, LeClercq worked with the Texas Department of Criminal Justice while writing her book over the course of ten years.

After staff in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice reviewed my early draft and made very helpful suggestions (no censoring at all), I finally (10 years from beginning to publication) got it self-published and ready for sale. A lawyer friend here offered to buy a copy for each TDC unit. The very first book I sent to a correspondent was banned. I learned that because he said he didnt get it. He checked the mail room, and they said it was on the banned list so they destroyed it, she said, noting that destroyed in this instance meant the book disappeared all together without explanation. It was not returned to her, and when she followed up, the mailroom reached out to the incarcerated correspondent, asking if he could afford the postage to return it to sender (No one can, of course, added LeClercq).

Having a 10-yr project, written directly for the very audience that was not allowed to get it, was a tremendous blow. I had had ups and downs in the project [] But this was the bottom of hell.

Her awareness of the situationand her investment in helping those who are incarcerated know their rightshas led to further work on prison censorship. With the help of a student assistant, she pulled together a state-by-state list of the quantity and quality of books prisoners are allowed and where those books may be acquired.

While all of those who are incarcerated have access to a Law Library, most also have access of some capacity to a leisure library. But the extent of those libraries is, as PEN reports, varied and inconsistent, The American Library Association has a recommended set of standards for adult correctional institutions. They suggest a minimum of 15 books per person, or at least 5,000 titles for smaller institutions. In 2000, U.S. prison libraries held only 7 books per prisoner, according to one estimate. Since then, with the dramatic increase in mass incarceration over the past two decades, it is widely understood that prison library book acquisitions have fallen even further behind this standard, although comprehensive data is unavailable.

The report continues, outlining the realities of prison library funding:

Prison librarianslike any other librarians in under-resourced locationsmay find themselves hustling for book donations to sufficiently stock their shelves.100 Meanwhile, funds for prison libraries are often the first to go when state officials cut budgets. In Illinois, for example, an Illinois Newsroom investigation found that, in 2017, the Illinois Department of Corrections (IDOC) spent a total of $276 on new books. For a system with 28 facilities, thats less than ten dollars per prison. [] the state of Maryland has approximately 129,000 books in its libraries, or approximately 7 books per incarcerated person. The state spends approximately $16,000 per year for new books for an incarcerated population of more than 17,000 people. [] In Georgia, an investigation this year by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution analyzed the book catalogues at 12 state prisons. Among their findings: four prisons had less than four books per person, with the prison library at one prison offering fewer than 2,000 books for approximately 1,000 prisoners.

Even within those poorly funded, under-staffed libraries, the reality is even starker. The books on shelves do not reflect those who are incarcerated. As PEN notes, when the Atlanta Journal-Constitution conducted their report, Although nearly two-thirds of Georgia inmates are black, more than half of libraries have no books on Martin Luther King Jr., and two-thirds of them dont have anything on Malcolm X.

And prison librarians, despite their own best intentions, can become part of the system as well. LeClercq found this to be the case when her book was finally allowed in Texas facilities.

Following a meeting and discussion with Texas Senator John Whitmire, who she notes is one of the few senators working on prison legislation, LeClercqs book was reinstated. The next Monday the head of TDC called and told me he had given approval for the book to be placed in the general libraries. It was, although in a crazy turn of events, some of the librarians seem to place it on bottom shelves, unlisted. Some unit libraries then decided readers could use it for only 15 minutesits a 5th grade graphic novel, but who could absorb all that legal information in 15 minutes? Not me, for sure, and I read rather fast. Its as if the prison culture has pervaded even the people who are supposed to help inmates, like librarians.

Authors can do nothing. Zero. Zip. We cant learn which prisons have banned us [] This hidden and nefarious censorship will continue and will grow, says LeClercq.

The quantity of material each individual is allowed to have while incarcerated is not only limited by financial realitiesimposed by forcing them to purchase materials through outside vendorsbut theyre limited, too, in the format of books. Hardcovers are more expensive than paperbacks. New books more costly than used. Further still, the restriction to a certain number of books per person, in conjunction with underfunded and poorly developed prison libraries only hinders their First Amendment rights more deeply.

Advocacy groups like Books to Prisoners, Books Behind Bars, and others, all serve a crucial role in getting books into the hands of those who are incarcerated. But, in addition to the inconsistent policies and book bans which happen without clear reasoning or process, the fact that many state policies disallow used books to get into the hands of individuals is a challenge. Michigan is one of the states that does not allow any used books into their facilitieseither for individuals in the system or the librariesand, as noted previously, their restriction to only three vendors for purchasing titles has meant that not only are prison book donation groups not active in the state, but the HRDC has stepped in to sue the state over prison censorship.

State policies remain vague here, too. North Dakota disallows books that have been previously read (as something separate from used), while New Mexico sets a hard limit on the number of books, magazines, and religious texts (what separates a book from a religious text in this case and/or what restrictions does that place on certain religious faiths). The ability to leave these up for interpretation gives significant opportunity for overreach on the part of the Wardens or those they assign responsibility to, as has been seen before and will continue to be seen in the future.

And for advocacy groups and prison book donation organizations? The ever-shifting policies are compounded by the fact each group is often treated differently by the same facilities.

Were all volunteers with full time jobs and other obligations. In the past, various prison book programs have tried to create centralized lists of known restrictions at prisons, but we just ended up with more confusion because it turns out that every prison treats every group differently. One group might be accepted at a prison; another group might be restricted to new books only; another group might be fully banned. In many states, like New Mexico and both Washington and Ohio until recently, every warden was given latitude to make their own rules. A new warden would mean a new set of rulesbut, of course, we werent generally privy to either regime changes or policy updates. It is a mess, and thats why were all fighting to get better standards and oversight so that we dont have to waste time, energy, and postage money on finding out that a prison has changed its rules yet again, said Dillon.

I put together a list of books I wanted and wrote letters to hundreds of organizations and famous people I read about in magazines asking if they would donate one of those books to the Patuxent library. Can you imagine how special that was to hear the library got a new book and realize it was one I asked for, and that someone donated it because of me?

I didnt just live forthat library. I livedbecause of that library. The Patuxent prison library saved me from crushing despair. It saved hundreds of other guys, too.

Chris Wilson, formerly incarcerated author

Because of better tools of communication, connection, and time, awareness of the depths of prison censorship is growing. This means that, thanks to the work of advocacy groups, on-going legal challenges, and reports like those done by PEN and similar groups and individuals, more information exists. And this information means that the average citizen can get a better handle on how they can act and stand up for the rights of those experiencing incarceration.

In my capacity with Books to Prisoners, we do this work for several reasons. Many of us are librarians, book store employees, and other pro-book people; we want to see the joy of reading spread as far as possible. We also do this becauseespecially as we work with these groups longerwe see the profound isolation and deprivation experienced by people in prisons and we want to remedy that in even this very small way. There are a variety of perspectives in books to prisoners programs, from those who see this as prisoner support and abolition work, to those who operate from the framework of rehabilitation and want to see prisoners gain access to tools for job training and higher education in order to better themselves and decrease recidivism, said Dillon.

She noted that the most commonly requested books include dictionaries, Spanish language learning, black history and fiction, how-to-draw, manga & comics, vocational training (including plumbing, etc., as well as how to start a business), genre fiction (fantasy, sci-fi, thrillers, and horror in particular), ancient history, mythology, occult, legal self-help, and games (sudoku, crosswords, D&D).

Whats the average person to do? In what ways can the work continue to push forward?

Step one is getting to know who is in charge of prison oversight and speaking up against these behaviors on a state level.

[T]hese actions and abuses continue because we continue electing politicians who endorse or appoint the people who do them. Governors are responsible for the prisons, sheriffs generally for the jails. If there is a political price to pay these practices may stop. [] it doesnt take a huge amount of support or outcry to get prisoncrats or jail officials to back down on small limited issues. The reality is we have a police state with little in the way of accountability or transparency at any level, not just around censorship, said Wright.

Likewise, understand what the policies are within your state when it comes to book censorship. Reach out to your states DOC and ask for them. Ask about policies and procedures, as well as lists of titles and reasons. As noted, the chances of receiving an answer easily are slim to none; but collective action and effort move the needle.

One way to make this process a little easier is to develop a series of email templates asking for information that can be copy and pasted.Keep those, as well as all correspondence, in a file for record keeping.

As Wright notes, understand your state governors stance on prison oversight. Again, write letters. Know what policies local and state-level sheriffs follow and know the chain of commandwho does the sheriff report to? Thats who to write to when answers dont come back and/or you want to know more and are seeing nothing from the sheriff.

Weve seen the power of elections and the necessity in voting. This is not just true on the national level. In many ways, those state and local elections are equally, if not more, imperative.

Dillon emphasizes that the fight begins locally.

The average citizen can start by connecting with a local prison book program, higher ed in prison, or other prison advocacy group, if there is one in your area. If theres a prison book program that you can join, help answer requests for books; learn firsthand about the difficulties of providing booksthe arbitrary returns, the proactive self-censorship to try to avoid assumed restrictions, the dedication of other activists. Use that community as a potential launching point to collaborate on a statewide campaign if you find that one is necessary (for example, were having issues with overall book access in Indiana and Michigan right now, and nearly every state could use a push to create better publication review committees and publicly available lists of censored materials).

Whatever talents you have, those can be put to use in protecting the First Amendment rights of people in prisons.

[A]re you a great graphic designer? Do you know state politicians who might be interested in talking about these issues? Can you write persuasive letters? This is a community fight, so find your community first, Dillon added.

Organizations like the HRDC are great places to donate money, particularly as they have long and successful track records of litigation. Their work has a traceable paper trail and leads to changes as seen in states like Washington.

Snow says, There are acouple dozen programslike ours across the country, all powered by donations and volunteers. I recommend this volunteering to anyone. The letters we get can be thoughtful, funny, or a small delight when someone asks for a book by your favorite author that you can fill, and the notes we get back are wonderful. Even if you dont live near one of these groups to volunteer your time or drop off books, buying books fromwishlists like ours is something that keeps us going.

[T]here is something free that interested people can do: keep an eye on their states rules around sending books to prisons. Many states are trying to restrict packages just from vendors like Amazon, or even going to tablets that force inmatesto buy the expensive technology and books that can be marked way up, even books in the public domain. We have had success pushing back,most recently in Maryland, but it will be an ongoing fight that people can help by contacting their representatives and Governors to let them know they dont agree with policies like these, added Snow.

Public outrage has been instrumental in reversing recent policies across the country. Its vitally important to help demonstrate to prison officials that the American people do not support overbroad and arbitrary restrictions on literature, or policies that severely limit access to books. Overall, people should absolutely be speaking with their elected officials about this, says Trager. He adds that local reporters played a significant role in uncovering book bans and bringing them to the attention of the publicthe endnotes of the PEN America report highlight the value that local media outlets have in making these acts of censorship known.

This is a story that is often first uncovered at a local level, sometimes well before it reaches more national attention, he adds.

When the realities of prison censorship come to light, its too easy for those without the knowledge or understanding of the depths of the problem to make light of the situation. But its not joke. Certainly, books can be weapons and can be tools used for transporting illegal substances into prisons.But these instances are exceptionally uncommon.

Whats far more common is for the First Amendment rights of the incarcerated to be denied.

Its been proven that access to books reduces recidivism. People make mistakes and commit crime. They serve the punishment given to them by a judge and/or a jury. During this time, they have an opportunity to better themselves in whatever ways necessary so theyre prepared for life on the outside again, be it in six months, six years, or sixty years.

For vulnerable populations within an already-vulnerable populationblack men and women experiencing incarceration in particularhaving access to materials about the prison system, racial justice, and their rights is crucial. Already unjustly targeted, they face further challenges in and out of the school-to-prison pipeline, due to bigotry, racism, classism, and denial of tools for rehabilitation. Listen to those in this community and rally in support of their rights.

Trager adds, We need to shine a light on how useful, inspiring, and dignity-enhancing book access is for those who are incarcerated. Pragmatically, access to literature has been shown to help reduce recidivism rates. But we need better protections to support the right to read and access to books in prisons. We need more meaningful review mechanisms, more transparent and clearly-defined rules over what constitutes grounds to ban a book, more consistent application of these rules from prison officials. We need a standard of review that recognizes and values the literary merit of a challenged book, training and regulations that explicitly incorporate First Amendment principles and affirms the basic right to readall of these represent steps we should take to help ensure that the urge to censor is not running rampant in our prisons.

If you want to know more and go deeper, there is a range of incredible material available. Heres a small selection of outstanding reading:

See more here:
Why and How Censorship Thrives in American Prisons - Book Riot

Michael Rosen likes to play a game where he sees how much of the dishwasher he can empty in one breath. As a boy, his brother and he used to try to get from the lavatory to the kitchen before the sound of the flushing had stopped, all while holding their breath.

Play, make-believe, nonsense talk, it all comes naturally to us when were young. As one of our most beloved childrens authors, poets and storytellers, its a knack Rosen has never grown out of, even at 73. The sort of play he enjoyed as a child has informed his imaginative world, and enriched ours.

The vast majority of us, though, hardly stray into those unknown realms anymore. Play is something that in adulthood is largely banished...

Read the original here:
Michael Rosen: It's time we all relearnt the art of play, whatever our age and here's how - Telegraph.co.uk

Elizabeth Warren is a career hustler who has tried on many personas: lawyer, writer of dopey self-help books (The Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan), Lou Dobbs-style economic populist, consumer activist and, infamously, she spent part of her academic career pretending to be a Cherokee, making the milky Oklahoman quite possibly the palest person ever to be passed off to Harvard Law as a woman of color.

In an era of sensibilities so exquisitely refined that a clumsily deployed pronoun will have progressives pointing and shrieking like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Warren gets a pass on the intellectual equivalent of wearing blackface for decades. Why?

For one thing, shes a rich white woman in a party run by rich white women. That cant hurt.

Progressives are not especially eager to engage in an uncomfortable discussion about the intersection between identity politics and privilege vis--vis rich white liberals like Warren or progressive darling Robert Francis ORourke, the Anglo scion of a powerful Texas political family who affects a Hispanic nickname that resonates helpfully in El Paso. Progressives will forgive a great deal if you have the right politics: Bill Clinton was the Harvey Weinstein of US presidents, but Democrats protected him.

Warrens stitched-up identity is a little raggedy around the edges the Cherokee fakery, the false story about losing a teaching job to sexist discrimination against pregnant women but she isnt the only one in the Democratic field with loose threads that might be tugged at. If Warren isnt getting called out on her identity-fudging, it may be because there isnt anybody in the Democratic field comfortable pointing the finger.

The affirmative-action programs that were designed to benefit the oppressed descendants of American slaves have disproportionately benefited relatively well-off people. The greatest beneficiaries by far have been college-educated women such as Warren. The Democratic Party presents itself as the champion of the poor, the black and the brown, but institutionally it is dominated by rich white women such as Nancy Pelosi and Dianne Feinstein. Its policies and priorities reflect that.

You might think that an actual woman of color in the Democratic presidential race would say something about Warrens shenanigans. But these identity questions get complicated. The people of color who are most prominent among contemporary Democrats are figures such as Barack Obama, the son of a Kenyan economist and a white hippie from Wichita, and Kamala Harris, the daughter of an Indian cancer researcher and a Jamaican economics professor at Stanford. Harris leans pretty heavily on identity politics Kamala Harris is campaigning like she knows Black History Month is coming up, Aaron Ross Coleman wrote in The Nation but her life and her story are in many ways disconnected from those of the African Americans for whom she offers up herself as a tribune. She may not be entirely comfortable poking Warren on authenticity, whatever that word might actually mean in the context of something as comprehensively phony as a Democratic presidential primary.

The left wants to like Warren. Shes a respectable version of Bernie Sanders no less vicious, but presentable and Democrats seem to believe that she has a good chance of beating Donald Trump. Trump loves teasing Warren about her Cherokee nonsense, and no Democrat wants to echo President Trump even when hes right. So theyll pretend not to notice as Warren quietly deletes an old tweet about the DNA test that she once offered as evidence of her Cherokee ancestry, as she just has.

Sanders doesnt have the heart to go after Warrens fabrications. Harris apparently wont do it. Poco ORourke isnt up to the task. Native Americans are an important constituency, but apparently there is no one in the Democratic Party willing to take a stand on the insult that Elizabeth Warren has offered them.

Kevin D. Williamson is the author of The Smallest Minority: Independent Thinking in the Age of Mob Politics, out now.

Continue reading here:
Dems are giving Elizabeth Warren a pass on her Native American insult - New York Post

I have spent a lot of time writing about self-care and mental health as a caregiver. Even if the term self-care sounds silly to you, I recommend dedicating time every day to your mental health. If for no other reason than to help prevent caregiver burnout.

Another reason to incorporate self-care into your routine, especially if your loved one is hospitalized, is so that you also have enough energy to support their mental health.

As someone who has never had a chronic illness, I cant know what kind of strain it puts on your mind. However, I have seen chronic and terminal illness up close in several family members in recent years. I also have had a severe injury that turned my world upside down and took away my independence and mobility. I can empathize with the mental strain of an unwell, uncooperative body.

Its no surprise that failing lungs come with a huge emotional cost. I watched my mom go through loss after loss when she was sick with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Her independence, her mobility, and nearly everything normal about her life were taken away.

When she was hospitalized in January, it was a shock. We had been in Hawaii a month earlier, snorkeling and walking in the rainforest. We had just started planning my wedding reception. The drastic change in her health didnt seem possible.

Amid fighting for every breath and being at the will of more than a dozen doctors, my mom finally had to rumble with the potential outcomes of this disease. We all did. But she alone was battling to stay alive, which meant the rest of us had to help save her in any way we could.

Self-care did not eradicate my stress or negative feelings. But it did allow me to have an emotional well from which I could pull strength and love to give to my mom. Perhaps my ways of supporting my loved one will spark ideas if you are supporting someone with a chronic illness.

This was especially important when my mom was in the ICU and was being touched by many people in invasive or painful ways.

I gave her foot rubs, which helped her relax and relieved the swelling in her feet. They became a kind of nightly ritual. We would talk I read her lips since she had a trach or enjoy the quiet of a rare moment without an alarm going off.

I gave her a manicure and pedicure. My moms nails were another reminder of her failing lungs. She had clubbing, and the nail beds looked too pale without enough oxygen. I bought the brightest, most obnoxious shade of pink I could find. It was called punk rock pink. I wanted something that would brighten up the room. The neon shade was a hit with the nurses!

Some of our goals were things she could achieve in the hospital, such as:

We also talked about the little things we looked forward to doing after her transplant. Talking as if the transplant was a certainty was both dangerous and necessary. We needed to believe that she would have a successful transplant. Those things gave us a future to fight for in harder moments. Im going to get out and drink a lemonade! was a little one. A bigger goal was to go wedding dress shopping.

There is a lot you can do in the hospital to pass the time. When my mom had the energy, we played scrabble, colored pages from a flower coloring book, or she read. My aunt Shari brought collage supplies and they made cards.

Aside from being fun, art projects and coloring pages can be used to decorate the room. Artwork was taped almost floor to ceiling in my moms room by the time she had her transplant.

Doing things with my mom kept her spirits up and her mind active. She maintained a positive attitude throughout her three months in the ICU and one month in a cardiac unit after transplant.

And there are many sweet memories mixed in with the painful ones.

***

Note: Pulmonary Fibrosis News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Pulmonary Fibrosis News or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to pulmonary fibrosis.

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Photo courtesy of Audible.

In order to talk about 2019 Cat Marnell, one needs to understand the past iterations of Cat Marnell.

Theres 2012 Cat, who snorted bath salts to avoid writing a story for the now-defunct XoJane.com, where she was a popular and controversial beauty director. She was known for incorporating her party lifestyle (as documented in her Vice column Amphetamine Logic) into her health and beauty coverage. Theres 2013 Cat, who signed an impressive six-figure book deal to tell her one-of-a-kind story about being a blonde media darling with an out-of-control drug habit (her description). Before that, there was Cat the Intern at Nylon, Teen Vogue, and Glamour. By 2017, Cat Marnell had become a New York Times best-selling author.

And then her life fell apart again.

Marnell embraces all these past versions of herself each with her own demons in her new Audible original, Self-Tanner for the Soul: How I Ran Away to Europe and Found My Inner Glow (When Life Got Dark), out now.

Im an idiot, Marnell says almost immediately when I call her to talk about the audiobook part travel diary, part self-help, and entirely her signature rambles. Its an unexpected follow-up to her hilarious and intense memoir, which she refers to as Murder (the aforementioned NYT best-seller How to Murder Your Life). She goes between calling herself an idiot and crazy, frequently during our conversation, as if shes trying to beat everyone else to the punch. At 37, Marnell has had years of practice being self-deprecating, but she also has some life lessons worth sharing. Some are simple (dont bring a suitcase full of just wigs and shoes for a backpacking trip across Europe), while others are profound (be a fountain, not a drain of your own happiness).

Told over the course of five chapters, Marnells new project documents her summer in Europe following a complete and total mental breakdown after the release of Murder. She flooded, and totally ruined, her Chinatown apartment in an event she described as a beauty Chernobyl. Left with scars, burns, and practically no hair (Marnell never specifically describes what happened in that apartment, but still sticks to wigs), she escapes to Europe to solve her problems. And it kind of works. For over 100 days, Marnell travels solo from Croatia to Germany to England to Romania to Italy to Poland and beyond. Shes following her favorite artist Pete Doherty (she even once followed his path all the way to a fancy rehab facility in Thailand), and indulging in heavy pours of white wine while avoiding real life a graffiti artist ex-boyfriend, her agent, sobriety, responsibility. The result is an immersive storytelling experience full of Adderall, loneliness, and something Marnell calls wizard walks, narrated by one of the most polarizing and recognizable writers born of the Internet.

But that was more than two years ago. 2019 Cat is good. Shes back in New York staying in an Airbnb (temporarily), and she says shes weaned herself off Adderall. She says shes not sober, but shes trying to get shit done. She has bills to pay and stories to tell.

Refinery29: Where are you right now?

Cat Marnell: I am on a stoop on North 5th St. in Williamsburg, looking at a bulldozer.

How long have you been back in New York?

Ive been back, on-and-off, all month. It is very annoying because it is Airbnb for me now, which is very hard to do in New York. Once you travel in Europe, youre like, Its no wonder that people dont come here. When youre overseas you find that people dont come to New York. They all want to, but they cant fucking afford it.

Who approached whom for this collaboration?

I met with Audible the spring after How To Murder Your Life came out. It was the one meeting I took as I was actually having a complete fucking mental breakdown and snapping. I showed up at the bar with a rainbow wig, and I met with this guy Andrew (Eisenman) from Audible shout him out! Love him and I found out that Audible, which I didnt know that much about because I was writing my book and also in a drug haze, wanted original content from published authors. I thought it was pretty modern. What I originally thought of when my agent sent through that request, because I usually just say no to everything how sad is that? was Howard Stern working with satellite [radio]. I know it is completely different, but I really admire Howard Stern. I just liked the idea of doing something new. I just wanted to switch it up.

One of the ideas that we settled on was self-help. Like I said I was going through a bad time, and I just wanted to ditch New York. I bought The Andy Cohen Diaries on the way at the airport, [and] I read it on the plane over there and was enjoying it so much I was like, Okay Im going to keep a diary and see if I can sell it. And then I did. I actually sold it to Audible while I was in Europe.

Im sure you had enough within just two weeks for them to publish.

Oh yeah, I always do more than I have to. Im an idiot. Like when my book was turned in, it was way longer than they wanted. I turned in, initially, 800 pages. They cut it down to 300. I basically wrote two books. Im an idiot.

Did this make you look at your voice in a different way? Have you listened to it?

Because Im so tired all the time, it was definitely a flattened version of me, but thats fine...I felt like this kept it very real, because I was exhausted. Because I wrote it on the train [while traveling], it kept me going. I am someone who gets depressed and gets nostalgic. I was in bed my whole fucking 20s, you know what I mean? I would give myself 20 minutes of staring out the window [of a train], and then I would pull out the computer. Thats when I would write. I was always fucking exhausted when I was writing it, but it was real.

"I just didnt want the book to be all about drugs. Getting off of that stuff has made me so much happier."

- Cat marnell

How did you gather your source material?

I just love diaries. I just want to keep writing diaries. Id rather read that than anything from other people right now. Its just more real. Our guess our brains have changed, and we cant read elevated stuff. Or maybe thats just me.

Do you consider yourself an influencer at all?

Im a bad influencer. Im proud to say. Whether Im sorting bath salts or escaping, whenever I hear the word influencer, I think bad influencer, you know? I never worried about recommending PCP to anyone because I always knew they wouldnt know where to find it! I only knew where to find it because I was a fucking scumbag. I do not have the hustle to [be an influencer]. That is the worst thing about my life. I look at them, and they get their hotel rooms [for free]. I always intend to do that, and do, like, an initial email. Even getting the free train ticket to EuroRail, I sent an initial email, and then I never followed up. Its just not me! I always just pay for it. I would be in the worst place if it meant I didnt have to talk to anyone.

How would you describe your travel style?

I guess, in a negative way, I am an adult child. That is what responsible people would say about me. Other people would be like Oh, shes so free! But I dont need anything. Honestly, sometimes, if there was a safe place to sleep on the street, I would do it.

What are wizard walks?

First of all, I used to take a lot of speed. You dont need that for a wizard walk, though. The whole wizard thing is played out now, but think of a carnival, or a fairground. During the day, it looks like nothing. That is how I am during the day. That is how my brain is during the day. Right now, I look like shit. Im wearing sweatpants and I look sad, just sprawled onto these steps. That is my brain during the day.

But the way carnival rides look lit up at night, my brain is the carnival. [Its] so glowy and awesome at night. That is the wizard thing. Ive always connected with cities at night, the glittering night lights. I look better at night, I feel better at night, and so I take these night walks.

Photo Credit: Cat Marnell.

You can go to the best cities in Europe, and then everything at night is completely empty and its all lit and glowy and enchanting. Nothing is enchanting during the day its just not. Its sunny, and its pretty, but enchantment is only at night. Even a string of fucking Canal St. bulbs just strung up, or LED lights thats my speed. In Europe, everything is a fucking castle well technically its a fortress, but in your American brain youre like, Thats a castle!. Its all glowing in the distance, and you put on electronic music and just wander over there. Its awesome. Im crazy, though, Im crazy. You get the energy. It charges your brain for real. Night walks are my thing.

Is How To Murder Your Life still being adapted into a TV series?

Its going to be a limited series with Sony TriStar. I can tell you that it will have the showrunner Esta Spalding, who is the showrunner for the Kristen Dunst God thing [On Becoming a God in Central Florida]. My co-writer is Jessica Caldwell, who has worked on Billions. I love them. I am very excited. I am involved, not because I want to make it accurate about me, but because I want to want it awesome. I want to elevate it. We are creating a fictional world, but I want to come at it from a place of humor and energy some crackling different stuff. Im not a big TV person. I dont watch any TV. I dont have the patience for it because I find it all to be quite hackneyed and clich. The second something is played out Im like, No, I cant watch this. I have cities to walk around in!

A piece about your finances went viral earlier this year. Do you feel like youre in a better place financially now?

Not at all, actually. I backslid. I dont have any money coming in anymore! Well, I do. But the TV show money is so far away. I need to sell a book. Thats what I am going to do. Next month. Im going to fucking Europe again. Its cheaper! All I do in New York is go to the fucking Buffalo Exchange to buy shit I dont need.

Tax extensions are due. Im just piling up fines again. When youve been in tax debt hundreds of thousands of dollars, like I used to be, being in debt $20,000 doesnt feel like anything. Try telling my mom that. Even my storage unit I owe them like $800, and I cant get in. I dont have any of my dresses. I dont have any of my shoes. I cant get in. I am miserable.

Are you still wearing wigs?

Of course, I have to. I cant even get into that. I am trying to get some sort of wig sponsorship, but Im not sure that is going to happen. I wear bad ones, too...I dont know how to do anything. I can barely keep up with my email. I cant hustle for anything. I wind up paying for everything. Its annoying.

I am trying to get some sort of wig sponsorship, but Im not sure that is going to happen.

-Cat Marnell

A person whos been in the news a lot recently has talked about how much she looks up to you...

Are you talking about Caroline Calloway? C.C.? Good for her, I hope she flourishes and thrives. I DM with her all the time, and I definitely feel protective of her, as someone who can understand what she is going through in a unique way. The advice I gave her was just to work out through all of this. I said, Caroline, work out. Even if it is just half an hour a day. It is going to keep this entire experience that much more clear for you. That exercise is going to affect the other 23-and-a-half hours in the day in a good way.

I only have two pieces of advice for anyone, ever: travel and work-out. I really do think for her, you have got to snap out of it sometimes. But its intoxicating when it first happens. Hopefully, she seems to be monetizing everything. Its harder than you think to monetize.

People want to hear from you, and her, all the time. They also want to judge.

Everyone hates Kim Kardashian well, I guess they dont anymore but being polarizing has made all these peoples careers. Its annoying that Caroline will try to charge money for things, and people will attack her for that. I really dont see how that is scamming. And also the vitriol. People are negatively obsessed with her. Howard Stern has the same thing where people are obsessed with hate-listening to him, and its almost like hate-fucking. Hopefully she can just make that into something, and I think she will. I like that she is just obsessively creative, because yeah, people are fucking disorganized. Disorganized creative people are a thing.

After this experience, do you have any new cures for loneliness?

Oh, God. Well, you know, I am off Adderall now. Im not sober or anything...But on that trip, I took my supply and just took less and less and less and less, so I was down to crumbs by the end. I just didnt want the book to be all about drugs. Getting off of that stuff has made me so much happier. I dont know why I just bought up drugs

Because going off was your cure for loneliness?

Theres no cure. I am actually lonely all the time, but I realize that is not going to change. It doesnt matter if I become a quote-unquote famous person or anything. If anything, fame has made me more self-protective and weird and withdrawn. I am trying to meet up with people more. Like someone hit me up last time when I was in London, inviting me to dinner. Usually I dont do that stuff, but it turned out being amazing. I made these new friends in London, and I feel like my whole life over there opened up. Now I can actually move there and know people.

People need to be brave. Human connection does not come naturally to me. It has nothing to do with social media this came before all that shit. It just doesnt come naturally to me. I was always surrounded by people like my graffiti writing friends who protected me from the real world. When I was in Europe, I didnt have anyone. You learn to stand on your own. But you have to make an effort. I sound like my dad. [Laughs]

Check out this clip from Self-Tanner for the Soul, below.

Interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

If you are struggling with substance abuse, please call theSAMHSA National Helplineat 1-800-662-4357 for free and confidential information.

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Cat Marnell: New Book & How To Murder Your Life Show

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Cat Marnell Is Lonely All The Time, But Still Has A Lot To Say - Refinery29

In college I had a sort-of boyfriend whose affection I wanted very badly. Approximately 75% of our relationship took place in my head. When I came down with a bronchial infection, I saw it as a heaven-sent opportunity for us to finally really connect. Lying on the futon-mattress-on-the-floor which was my bed, I might as well have been rubbing my hands together in anticipation of how he would care for me. Through that care, our love would blossom. I could already taste the chicken soup.

It didnt play out as Id hoped. When I called him and asked, sickly-yet-cutely, if he could bring me some soup, he seemed confused by the request. In fact, he expressed his bewilderment more eloquently than he had ever expressed anything to me before. The symbolic importance of the soup appeared to be completely lost on him. If I was sick wouldnt it be best if he left me alone? Maybe we could hang out again when I was feeling better? I remember feeling humiliated, like Id been stood up on a date.

I diagnosed him as immature, but Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the blockbuster, perennially best-selling relationship advice book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, would probably have read it differently. He would have explained that we were speaking different love languages. I was and remain someone who loves small acts of consideration. Not everyone thinks a plastic container of soup can contain heavy romantic overtones, but I do. Maybe my erstwhile boyfriends love language was something different, like gift giving, or physical touch.

Chapmans Love Languages, first published in 1992, argues that many relationship conflicts can be explained by his theory of romantic miscommunication. (Later editions of the book extended the love languages doctrine to apply to all kinds of relationships, from parents and children to co-workers.) Theres a universal human need to feel loved, he writes in the book. But he takes this platitude further; the premise of his wildly influential life's work is that each of us have a love language that we use to express love, and that this is usually this is the way we want to be shown love, too. Two people in a relationship might express love to each other using different languages, and this would make it hard for them to understand each other. Chapman advises us that figuring out our love language can help us ask for the type of love we need. For the uninitiated, these are: quality time; gift giving; words of affirmation; acts of service; and physical touch. Not sure what your love language is? Just take this easy quiz. Im an acts of service, with a words of affirmation rising.

Many people find this theory and these categories cheesy. The appeal is, shall we say, broad. Describing oneself in terms of a type strikes some people as pretty reductivestupid, even. But the simplicity of the love languages is key to its phenomenal success.

Twenty-seven years after the Love Languages was first published, its influence continues to grow. With almost every consecutive year, the book breaks its previous years sales record. It has now sold over 12 million copies and has been translated into 51 languages, most recently into Arabic for a Saudi Arabian edition. Since its publication, the concept of love languages has seeped into the collective consciousness, to the point that today, as a pop-psychological idea, the term has become ubiquitous, one people even unfamiliar with its origin understand.

In the West we have an affinity for classifying ourselves into types, and the love languages have joined the Myers-Briggs personality test as a go-to romantic rubric, as familiar to many people as the twelve signs of the Zodiac. Theyre constantly referenced in popular advice columns, and on blogs. In the last few months alone the love languages have figured in interpersonal drama on reality shows such as Love Island, Are You the One? and Real Housewives of the Potomac. People riff on the concept constantly, extending the metaphor far beyond its intended, abstract purpose. Wine-making is a love language. Fried cheese is a love language. Baseball pitchers are a love language. Toni Morrison is a love language.

Gary Chapman never planned to be a self-help guru capable of this kind of impact. 80 years old, he has been a pastoral counselor at a Baptist congregation in Winston-Salem, North Carolina for 48 of those years. His Baptist faith informs his belief in the importance of long-term commitmenthe has been married to Karolyn J. Chapman since they were in their early twentiesbut you dont need to be a Baptist to appreciate his practical approach to making it work. Most of us here on Earth hate feeling vulnerable, and expressing the need to be loved is an exquisitely unpleasant flavor of vulnerability. Its the pulpy center of love-maintenance that we avoid at all cost. Wed rather quit and start fresh with someone new than poke that pulp.

The 5 Love Languages is one of the few popular relationship advice books that shows us a way to maintain a relationship without advising us to turn inward and self-optimize. The love languages function as a clever rhetorical bait-and-switch that allow us to be honest about our needs without opening up the abyss of vulnerability that, unfortunately, exists within all of us. Saying I need more attention from you is painful, but saying my love language is quality time is somehow less so. The love languages might be cheesy, but their most profound wisdom is an underlying truth that Chapman might not have even meant to convey: Asking for love is the worst, he suggests, but we need to do it.

Love, unlike capitalism, doesnt require continuous growth to survive. The economy of love is based on maintenance, not growth, and born capitalists like us Americans would much rather create and grow something new than maintain something that already exists. To be loved, we dont need to keep improving and updating ourselves, coming up with new personality traits and skills with which to surprise and entertain our loved ones. But the hard work of self-improvement is easier for many of us to swallow than the hard work of maintaining a long-term partnership, as exemplified by your commitment-phobic ex or your recently divorced sister.

Westerners believe in the redemptive power of reinvention. We promise ourselves that next time it will be different. This belief is the essence of consumer culture, and its tempting to see relationships in the same way as we see consumer goods: as things that are supposed to make us feel good. Chapman sees through this fallacy because hes a Baptist, but as the success of his book and now brand shows, you dont have to believe in a God to agree with him.

"Practical suggestions" for how to practice the love languages in your life on any given week

The first golden age of self-help literature in the United States came during the 60s and 70s, when books like Thomas A. Harris Im OKYoure OK provided moral support to conventional middle-class Americans who felt unsure of how to navigate the new social and sexual mores that had arisen from the 1960s counterculture.

But by the '90s, many veterans of the counterculture had settled down. Maybe the sexual experimentation of the '70s was exhausting, right down down to The Joy of Sex's very groovy illustrations, because in 1992, two of the best-selling relationship self-help books of all time were published: The 5 Love Languages, and John A. Grays Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Both books are fundamentally conservative; Men Are From Mars argues that men and women have different natures, while the Love Languages is dedicated to making marriages last. (Divorce is scarcely mentioned as an option.)

Men Are From Mars has sold approximately 15 million copies to date, making it the best-selling relationship self-help book of all time. But based as it is on a set of gender stereotypes that many 10-year-olds could handily dismantle in 2019, it hasnt aged well, and as such, its sales have fallen off in recent years.

In a world hell-bent on trying out new stuff until the world ends, whatever the cost, Chapmans vision of accepting each others need to be loved is downright radical.

In contrast, Love Languages continues to pick up speed. During its first year of publication, the book sold about 8,500 copies, far exceeding the expectations of its publisher, Moody, a division of the nonprofit Moody Bible Institute; Love Languages itself is published by their more secular imprint started that same year, Northfield Publishing. The following year, the number doubled. In 2009, sales hit 5 million copies, and Moody relaunched the Love Languages with what they called their most aggressive marketing campaign in a decade. As part of the new campaign, John Hinkley, the director of marketing at Moody at the time, remarked that our goal, our vision is to help reduce the number of divorces. As a nonprofit, Moody uses the books proceeds to fund the Moody Bible Institute, which exists to educate and equip students for Christian ministry.

The books initial success was largely thanks to sales at Christian bookstores, but the relaunch pushed it squarely into the mainstream. In 2011, Elizabeth Hasselbeck may have been a linchpin in the books crossover secular success when she held up her copy of the book on the View, announcing that it had saved her marriage. Two years later, Oprah made its place of honor in our culture official by inviting Chapman onto an episode of Oprahs Lifeclass. (For those wondering, Oprahs love language is words of affirmation.)

Now, the love languages are a full-on brand, with an app called Love Nudge introduced this year that "will help you put the concepts of The 5 Love Languages into action in ways that are easy, obvious, and satisfying," radio programs, and conferences. But getting in touch with Chapman is easier than youd think, considering hes been on the New York Times best-seller list on and off for more than half my lifetime. In the days leading up to our interview, friends eagerly sent me questions they wanted him to answer, mostly to do with his feelings about the rules around physical touch, the love language that some people (myself included) had always understood as a cute euphemism for sex. Are any of the languages more powerful than others? Does Chapman think of them hierarchically?

Over the phone, I found Chapman to be friendly and indulgent, though when questions dont appeal to him, he issues forth a good natured chuckle that means no comment. Talking with him is remarkably similar to reading his book; he speaks with a drawl, and has a folksy, unpretentious manner befitting a man of religion but perhaps not of someone who has risen to the level of success he has.

Chapman studied anthropology in college, and told me hes remained fascinated with cultural nuances. The first foreign edition of Love Languages was in Spanish, and Chapman wasnt sure it would work in a translated edition; it became a best-seller. The success of future foreign editions has reinforced his belief that the need to feel loved is a human universal.

Chapman has published many companion editions to the original book, including a Military Edition, an edition for teens, one for families raising children with special needs, and a book about using the languages in the workplace (theyre languages of appreciation in that context, though). If you take the online quiz to determine your love language, you can sign up for Chapmans weekly newsletter, which comes full of practical tips for integrating love language awareness into your daily life. Is your partner a physical touch person? Try kissing them good morning and goodnight, each day for a week. Before you know it, Chapman reminds us, youll have established a new habit.

Much of the advice seems like common sense, but the newsletters almost always contain a wholesome Easter egg like, If your spouse leaves their laptop open, change the desktop background (if you don't think they'll mind) to a picture of you together. Overlay text on the picture that says, I Love You. (This was offered as a tip for showing love to people whose love language is words of affirmation. In Chapmans world, we have nothing to hideon our laptops or anywhere else.)

Chapman deliberately kept his books Christian message subtle so that more people would read it. (After submitting a manuscript to Moody Press in the 70s that he had been using for his marriage seminars, and initially being rejected, he would publish two much more religiously focused relationship books before the Love Languages took off, Toward a Growing Marriage, and Hope for the Separated.) Some people tell me they didnt know I was a Christian until they got to the end of the book, which is fine, said Chapman. Toward the end of the book, I say something to the effect of, what Ive given you is information. I cant give you motivation, but Ill tell you how I got my motivation. And I have a paragraph about my relationship with God, and how that changed my relationship with people.

The love languages, Chapman maintains, apply to everyone, regardless of religious belief. He admits that many men I know will say, I know my love language! Its physical touch! But Id argue its often more subtle than that. The gender neutrality of the languages means that the book can make sense for same-sex couples, nonbinary peopleanyone. I relate to people who seek my counseling as human beings, he says. So if I can help same sex couples in their relationships, thats good.

Chapmans religious background asserts itself through what it omits rather than what it states.

The world of the love languages is simpler than the world most of us live in. Theres no manipulation, or duplicitousness, or gaslightingjust people trying to fulfill the basic human need to feel loved, or, as Chapman puts it, to fill up their love tanks. Chapmans old-fashioned family-values vibe turns some people off. But its resistance to a vision of perpetual self-improvement makes the book quietly subversive.

Never stop growing, contemporary society implores us. Youre a badass! Be awesome! Be bold and courageous. Go out and claim what you deserve! Meanwhile, Chapmans love languages encourage us to focus our attention and care on what we already have. He may have been compelled to write the book by a Christian belief in the moral victory of long-lasting marriage. But this kind of conservatism can also be understood as oriented towards sustainability rather than waste. In a world hell-bent on trying out new stuff until the world ends, whatever the cost, Chapmans vision of accepting each others need to be loved is downright radical.

The love languages have achieved the status of clinical legitimacy without having been the product of any kind of actual research beyond Chapmans own observations as a church counselor. In 2006, two academic researchers conducted an empirical study to determine whether the love languages model generated consistent results of improved relational maintenance. Although the study wasnt completely conclusive, the researchers did find that using the love languages model led to a close match with improved relationships.

But whether or not theres empirical evidence to back them up, the love languages are a fully integrated part of the American therapeutic landscape, even among therapists who dont necessarily intend to use them.

Ive never read the book, but couples will refer to it in sessions, said Avi Klein, a psychotherapist with a couples therapy practice in Manhattan. Its a vehicle for people to communicate about yourself to someone else. Its a way to ask for what you need. I think people try to use the love languages in a positive way.

All of Chapmans 5 Love Languages mediathe purple-covered book that started it all in 92, the email newsletters, and his many subsequent bookstake for granted that once weve learned our partners love language, we will work hard to learn how to speak it. The underlying assumption is that a little love language elbow grease is all it takes to keep a long-term relationship running smoothly. And, more importantly, Chapman seems to believe that speaking your partners love language can solve almost any problem. You cant make someone want to speak your love language, he said. The best you can do is try to speak theirs, and hope it softens their heart. In most cases this seems reasonableis a little more quality time, or a few more words of affirmation, ever too much to ask?

The book starts to feel a little weaselly when it gets into the love language of physical touch. In a book with religious overtones, physical touch seems like the closest stand-in for the role of sex in a relationship, a way of shying from taking about sex directly but nonetheless highlighting it as important. Sex is much more complex than complimenting and and gift-giving.

But sex, Chapman argues, isnt necessarily part of the love language of physical touch. Lets not equate the love language of physical touch with sexual intercourse, Chapman said when I brought this up. When I meet people who tell me their love language is physical touch, I might ask them, Do non-sexual touches make you feel loved? Let's say your wife takes your hand while youre walking across the parking lot from the car to the mall. Or how about, she puts her hand on your shoulder while shes pouring you a cup of coffee.' If these forms of touch, which are loving but not sexual in nature, dont make you feel lovedthen physical touch is not your love language! People who like sexthats not necessarily their love language.

Chapmans religious background asserts itself through what it omits rather than what it states. Sexual preferences, according to Chapmans worldview, are not necessarily relevant to expressing and receiving love. Coming up with new ways and places to touch can be an exciting challenge, writes Chapman in the chapter on physical touch. If you have not been an under-the-table-toucher, you might find that it will add a spark to your dining out. Chapman goes on from here to suggest all kinds of touching, none of which are the kind that happen in private. It feels a bit like taking a sex ed workshop with Ned Flanders.

Some readers might have to go off-piste from Love Langauges doctrine here, either by considering physical touch inclusive of sex, or by thinking of sex as something that happens as part of other love languages, like quality time or even, lets be honest, acts of service. Its a reasonable extension of the overall philosophy, but Chapman never mentions sex directly in any of these respects. The elision of sex is the books unignorable flaw; how can sex be separate from other expressions of love?

Our sexuality is so bound up with who we are, said Klein. I dont think that most men are particularly connected to their sexuality. People talk about sex as if its an act rather than a form of intimacy and a way of being known...I do think people would be so much better off if there were sexual love languages. So many people would be better off learning about themselves and their sexuality, and how much better would peoples sex lives be if they could like, name a way that they wanted to be related to sexually?

Even third-party experts arent necessarily aligned on where sex fits in. I consider sexual intimacy to be included in the love language of physical touch, said Leslie Bartlett, a licensed clinical professional counselor who works exclusively with couples in Brunswick, Maine. I think we should honor Gary. What he has done is profound. Hes offered a way of looking at couples fundamental misunderstandings in a way that can shine a light and allow these misunderstandings to be softened. And of course theres more! Theres always more, theres always deeper. But he took a beautiful step into a journey that needed to be examined.

While secular people might find the Love Languages subtle Christianity off-putting, a growing minority of devout Christians find it too secular. The evangelical blogosphere in particular contains plenty of polite detractors. Dell Canright, a marriage counselor who runs Christian Counseling in Mansfield, Texas, has found that, sometimes, the love languages can encourage selfishness between couples.

He reminds us that humans have a fundamental need to feel loved, but frames this as an opportunity rather than the reason that all humans stagger through most of life suffering.

I dont think that Dr. Chapman intended this, but the love languages can resonate with our selfish parts. [The book] can encourage couples to say, You know what my needs arewhy wont you give me that? As opposed to learning what kind of love your wife or husband needs. Im not opposed to the idea of the love languagesand I think Dr. Chapmans done a great job of identifying some simple ways that we like to receive love. But I know that most of the clients I meet start out using the love languages in a selfish way as opposed to in a loving way to minister to their spouse.

Canright, also a Baptist, situates Love Languages within an integrationist approach to psychologywhich takes basic tenets of human psychology, and occasionally integrates religious scripture into its practice. Canright himself practices what is known as Biblical counseling, which takes a more fundamentalist approach to applying scripture to everyday life.

The integrationist approach is based on the idea that man is good, and he needs to have good self-esteem to be happy. The Biblical approach to counseling believes that man is Gods enemy. Mans greatest need is to be reconciled to God. Life is not about me. Its about Christ living in me and through me.

Chapmans integrationist approach doesnt hold much appeal to Baptist counselors like Canright, who prefer to use Biblical scripture as a strict guidebook rather than a set of general suggestions. Chapmans influence, however, cant be denied, even by those who disagree with him. Most people wouldnt critique [Chapman], said Canright. Most people wouldnt in any way disparage or think critically about the book because of the reputation that Dr. Chapman has.

Advice sent via the Love Languages email list

The original Love Languageswhich remains by far Chapman's biggest hithas stayed more or less the same since 1992, through numerous reissues. Not much has changed, claimed Chapman, even with prevalence of dating apps. People who meet online, once theyre together, the situation is the same as if you met any other way. You still have a fundamental need to feel loved.

Indeed, Gary Chapman may have written the definitive couples self-help guide of our time; no other book seems to be threatening its dominance in terms of influence and sales. He reminds us that humans have a fundamental need to feel loved, but frames this as an opportunity rather than the reason that all humans stagger through most of life suffering. To feel unloved is to be wretched. To demand love is humiliating. Love itself is often not cute. Chapman diverts our attention away from the wretchedness that we all fear, and the humiliation we all know, and normalizes the act of asking others for things we need.

The love languages stand as a protective barrier between ourselves and the painful reality of our emotional needs. In this way, they transcend their Christian origins. The feeling of being unloved is what drives consumer capitalism; most of us are taught to think that maybe this time, with this new configuration of objects and experiences, things will be different. In suggesting that we look inward for the cause of this hunger, Chapmans as much a Buddhist as he is a Christian.

Say what you will about Chapmans anachronistic wholesomeness or the intellectual poverty of reducing yourself to a type, the love languages have good bones. They encourage us to satisfy our need for love by asking for more lovenot with more adventures, or a more inflated sense of our own holiness, or a different partner, or a remodeled kitchen, or a new hobby. We are stuck with ourselves; our needs dont change much over time. The love languages suggest, gently, that we should stop changing the subject and be honest about what we really want.

Humans as a species are addicted to deluding ourselves. We are desperate for someone to convince us that things are better or easier or sexier than they really arejust ask me in 2003, lying in bed with my bronchial infection and my romantic hallucinations. But the love languages are dedicated to peeling off artifice rather than applying more. They dont trade on our gullibility or our eternal optimism. We cant resist the narcissistic mantras of self-improvement that fill so much of todays self-help literature. But Gary Chapman (and the Moody Bible Institute's tax receipts) would argue that even more than that, we cant resist feeling loved. What a surprisingly heartening thought.

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Read more here:
How 'The 5 Love Languages' Became the Language of Love We All Know (and Love) - Waypoint