Should you pony up for Tinder Gold? Only one way to find out.

There are big things happening in the world of charts. Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made Me Do" replaced "Despacito" as the #1 song on the Billboard 100, yes, but we're talking, of course, about Tinder becoming the highest-grossing app in the App Store. It's the first time it has held that spot, which is somewhat surprising and, frankly, alarming, considering it might well be this generation's best shot at continuing to propagate the human species.

The consensus seems to be that this is likely due to the rollout of Tinder's latest subscription level: Tinder Gold. The newly launched model costs $4.99 a month, on top of the $9.99 per month for Tinder Plus (you can't get Gold without first getting Plus, kind of like how you can't be Charizard without first being Charmeleon).

Wait, but why would I want Tinder Gold? Tinder Plus has, like, so many dope features.

And yes, it's true, Tinder Plus comes with a wide range of super exciting features, like: "Rewind," allowing you to correct an accidental left-swipe (aka a "no thanks" swipe), which does nothing to teach the app users lessons about missed connections, disappointment, and eternal regret; "Super Like" which lets someone know you really, really like them, which was done, long ago, with the words "I really like you," not a cool, blue "Super Like" star; and "Tinder Boost," which allows you to skip to the front of a potential match's feed so he/she sees you before any other maybe matesa move that, if done in a bar, would get a beer poured on your head.

But Tinder Gold? Well, Tinder Gold lets you see who has right-swiped (aka a "yes, please" swipe) on you before you even swipe. It curates a "Likes You" page that you can scroll through and choose from a list of pouty homegirls/boys, knowing that the object of your hand-picked affection, just like a piece of Caprese Salad off a passed hors-d'oeuvres tray, won't object. It's a sure match. No risk required! Insecurity begone! Bugger off, personal development! (Heed Robin Williams' sage advice in Good Will Hunting: "I think that's a super philosophy, Will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody.")

We know you. You live in a world where every moment countswhere speed equals success, youre always on the go, and you cant let anything slow you down. Especially your Tinder feed.

Uh. You don't know me any more than my Tinder matches know me, which is not well, considering we're going to meet up to get to know one another. I don't mean to be all cranky old man about this. I've used Tinder. (Or at least my mom did, pretending to be me.) It's great that Tinder exists to link humans to humans to butts at a rate that has never before been possible, to create connections for those who might not otherwise make them. In the sense that this speeds up the rate at which matches become dates become connection, yes, it is a great development.

But, in another senseto be extremely alarmist about a TechCrunch blogthis $4.99 cocoon of external validation is the worst part of our society's Cult of Productivity brought to its logical extreme. Speed definitely does not equal success, not always. Warning to all you romantics out there (on Tinder?): some things take time and work. Bad sex does not. But a long-term relationship probably does.

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Tinder Gold ($14.98) Is for Horndogs Who Don't Mind Being Single Forever - GQ Magazine