Have you ever been to Zapopan? Its in Mexico (not the same as Puerto Rico, Catelynn!) and Im out here because my husbands niece just graduated from medical school. Its a lovely place and from what Im told has some of the most amazing sunsets in the world. I wouldnt know though because last night, while everyone was oohing and aahing over the glorious pinks and reds that stained the sky, I was busy using the last of my data refreshing Amber Portwoods Twitter account, hoping and praying that shed released a message saying, Its over, you guys. And Im doing better than ever! (Remember to check foreverhaute.com for the hottest fashions and accessories. Coupon code: MattIsLiteralGarbage!)"

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Alas, this missive never came. And when I went to bed at an unreasonable hour, cranky because I have now become too invested in a show that I never watched before I started recapping it, my husband gently suggested that I maybe take a step back and take a look at my life choices.

But how can I when theres so much going on? Catelynns enrolled Nova in a day care that will teach her to wash her hands! Amber and Matts relationship is falling apart in a documented way that she cant just brush off as editing! Maci is out here drinking beer and being reasonable! And Furnished by Farrah is thisclose to giving up her dreams of being a doctor/international yogurt mogul to become a hypnotherapist. I can feel it in my bones. Can you?

Anyway, heres what happened:

Nova is old enough to start day care, so Catelynn and Tyler are enrolling her at a nearby center three times a week. The center is pretty bomb; theyve got all the toys Ive always wanted.

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The thing I like most about this day care is that aside from teaching kids how to share, solve problems, and enhance their cognitive abilities (I hope that means MagnaTiles; I used to work at a preschool and sometimes I would get so into those things that Id convince the actual kids to give me theirs so I could finish my mansion with three-car garage before we had to put them away), the center also boasts that theyll teach kids how to wash their hands. Shouldnt that be implicit? If Im sending my kid to be watched by others, Id like to assume that its a given theyll be washing their hands after they poop, pee, or stick their entire finger up their nose and then wipe whatever treasures they find within on the nearest adults face as a sign of affection. Actually, you know what? Id respect it more if the day cares website proudly proclaimed that they teach kids not to wipe their nose on other people. Thats the kind of shit kids need to learn.

OK, thats it! Bye, Catelynn! See you in New York!

Who else was hoping that this would be the week that Maci, Ryan, Jenn, Larry, and that snake Mackenzie would all get together and have a talk about Ryans future? I know this show is all about real life and not just manufactured drama (because Jaala is on vacation or something; where is she?), but almost every episode has been promising us a big ol blowout, and all were getting is Maci and T-Money visiting a shrink, who cries because their love is so beautiful, and throwing birthday parties in their backyard, which has a really nice pool. (In my notes Ive actually written, Maci has a nice pool, I would swim in it, so that should inform you of the level of drama we are dealing with here.)

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Speaking of backyards, its T-Moneys birthday, so Maci takes him golfing and then surprises him with a special party at their house (which is not really a surprise because all four of their friends have parked in their driveway). Bentley gives T-Money a card that neither of us can really read but says some stuff about how hes the best stepdad, and then nice, relaxing music plays as we are reminded just how great and loving the Bookout-McKinney relationship is and how we should all strive for something similar. Whatever. Wheres Mackenzie when you need her? I was hoping shed be hiding in the bushes la Sean Spicer, twirling her evil mustache and plotting ways to get her own spin-off, but no. What are you doing, girl? You wanted to be on TV! This is your chance and youre being upstaged by Farrahs hypnotherapist!

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We open on Amber lying to herself and others by stating that she and Matt are better than ever and that all the hurt from the past few weeks when Matt called her a fucking psycho and then accused her of humiliating him because Amber wanted her child at her wedding is suddenly gone. If my husband called me a psycho to anyone even though he has a point because I run a secluded motel to which I lure lonely travelers to murder while wearing my mothers clothes on the side (its a down economy) I would certainly not be OK with it just a few weeks later. In fact, I might never be OK with it. Amber and the fucking albatross who used her to write a book in which he is pasty and naked on the cover for no reason though? Theyre booking wedding venues for Friday the 13 because they are cool and hip and edgy, and possibly because Amber is hoping that someone will crash the event in a Jason mask and just take Matt out with a hockey stick or whatever that guy uses.

Here are some details from Matt and Ambers upcoming wedding: The venue is 48 floors above the ground; 130 people are invited (not me, though :/); Amber is renting out a hotel so all the guests can enjoy free accommodations, and also there will be a special room for kids to play in thats staffed by nannies who will put them to bed; oh, and its not. Fucking. Happening.

Listen, this wedding should have been canceled seasons ago, but every episode it isnt, I get more and more anxious. What if she goes through with it? What will be the last straw? Why wasnt it Matt trying to sleep with Farrah? Why wasnt it Matt lying about his past? Why wasnt it Matt calling Amber names? Or Matt trying to pressure Amber into a wedding? Why isnt it Matt refusing to go to counseling? Amber has had reason to break up with this trash monster since the beginning, but now its been three years, and she may feel like shes in too deep.

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Speaking of: Matts reticence to see a therapist is especially suspect. Ambers out here telling the guy she has problems trusting him, that shes on five medications, that shed like to start their wedded life together on the right foot by working through the issues they have, and hes all, Nah, thats for losers. First, not true; second, uh, you have lots of stuff to talk to a therapist with, Matt. Have you watched the show?

Oh wait, whats this? Matts even shadier than we thought? Yep, because while he and Amber are on a press trip to New York (question: Why cant Amber go anywhere on her own?) Matt supplies Catelynn, whos having a panic attack, with a Xanax that he was never supposed to have because he is in recovery! And then he lies about it to everyone and tries to make it Amber's fault! (Hes since blamed the Las Vegas trip and this latest fiasco on the fact that, yeah, hed totally relapsed.)

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When Amber finds out that Matt is now doling out drugs to her castmates, she's understandably livid and confused. She and Matt have a discussion in which he, for some reason not known to the rest of the modern world, refers to himself as daddy and demands that Amber agree that theyre still getting married. She says its not happening good and he says, Oh, but it was one mistake. Yeah, a mistake that happens every other fucking week.

What about all the questions youre going to get? Matt asks, thinking again only of his own reputation and not the fact that he is lying to Amber, messing with her sobriety, and handing out pills.

Im going to lie, Amber responds, which is both heartbreaking and says a lot about how honest she is in interviews. I get her though. Telling the truth might be good TV, but this is actually Ambers life and shes just trying to get by in a situation that most of us will never have to handle. Tip to anyone going on a reality show: Never date a superfan.

Matt freaks out because Amber is miked when they have this talk, but I feel like hes being manipulative here too. If anyone calls him out on anything later, he can just say hes mad because Amber broadcast a private conversation to the rest of the world and blame it all on her again, even though she isnt the one popping Xannies with Catelynn.

This is exhausting but it isnt over yet. Matt gets Catelynn involved (she is miked) and she begins to apologize for causing problems, which Matt loves. Then Matt cleverly tells Cate that, yo, the drugs werent even for him, they were for Amber who gets nervous on planes (even though she was fine on the Puerto Rico trip?) and that he was going to give them to her if she freaked out. It is at this point that I started screaming, LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! so loudly that my husband holed himself up in the hotel bathroom until he was certain that the carnage had ended.

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Let me break it down for you: Amber doesnt take drugs. At all. Last season, she refused painkillers after plastic surgery because she didnt want to relapse. This season, she refused to take painkillers when she had a toothache so bad it made her weep. Why in the hell, then, would she be taking a Xanax? Matt knows this! But he also knows that to people who dont know or understand Ambers sobriety (Im sure Catelynn doesnt watch this show as carefully as we recappers do), taking a benzo to relax wouldnt seem to out of the ordinary. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? (Answer: Everything.)

All I was doing was helping my friends! Matt pleads, but Amber isnt having any of it, calling off the wedding because, according to her, Matt is a junkie, and no amount of spin is going to change that. And while she keeps her word and says nice stuff about their relationship in her interviews, Matt continues raging behind the scenes.

Give me five minutes with the press, Ill tell her what shes really like, Matt hisses and Ive got to hand it to the editors, theyre doing their best giving him enough rope to hang himself. Part of me believes that this isnt just about good TV they really want him gone too. At this point, even Catelynn and Maci have given up their whole the first year of marriage is the hardest schtick and have finally started getting worried for Amber. Because you know what? We should all be. And if youre one of those people tweeting they just dont understand your love to her, you should stop. Because none of this is OK.

For some reason or another, Farrah was not invited on the press tour possibly to build up drama about whether she was returning? so shes got a busy week of torturing others ahead of her.

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She begins by insisting that Sophia wants to be an actress, even though Sophia is less in love with this idea than being in her grandmas rap video. This kid knows whats up, but her mom has decided that shes got the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent to be the next Jonathan Lipnicki and his adorably giant head. Of course, Sophia, who has been well trained in the art of not doing what she doesnt want to, pretends to be asleep when its time to hit the stage, so Farrah has to force her downstairs via a complicated series of levers, pullies, and a bellman who rolls Sophia to the car in his cart, thinking about his tip the entire time.

The things I do for my little boo boo, Farrah croons.

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At the acting lesson Farrah greets the teacher with a good day, which is probably the funniest thing I have ever seen we learn that Sophia has poor diction (fine, she is 7), no natural aptitude for the stage or screen (she doesnt want to be here anyway), and doesnt know how to emote or enunciate. The teacher, who, like the bellman, is only thinking about getting paid at this point, is just sitting there waiting for the entire thing to be over. When Farrah breezes in expecting him to quietly take her aside and inform her that in his years of teaching that hes never seen anyone quite like Sophia, he tells her that what Sophia did was very raw which is something you generally say about either (1) adult actors who do one of those prestige roles where they break the hell down and cry a lot because a dingo ate their baby, or (2) when you have nothing else to say and maybe shell be a good stagehand just doesnt sound polite.

Bolstered by Sophias Oscar-caliber performance, Farrah takes her to the rental house she owns so she can inform the tenants the shes moving on in and theyre moving on up (to a deluxe apartment literally anywhere else). But instead, she just says some stuff about how they can paint if they want to (even if theyre only going to be there for another two months? Why paint then?) and then asks where all her beautiful Furnished by Farrah furniture is. The tenants have put it in the garage.

Sophia asks when she can move in, and Farrah gets really angry that she mentions this, and so everyone is really confused by everything, because wasnt the whole point of this visit to evict these people? And why didnt Farrah ask the rental company, who seems to be managing everything, to do it?

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Finally, Farrah and Simon meet for (possibly?) the last time. Theyre joined by this seasons opportunistic hanger-on, hypnotherapist Kevin Stone, whos there to help them break up once and for all. He gives Simon some words about how he really needs to be true to himself and feel his hurt, and then puts both of them under, so they can get this breakup party started. When they both wake, Simon takes off his mic to go forever and Farrah tells him to enjoy the rest of your day. She thinks the therapy worked but the rest of us know the truth: Kevin Stones promises are bullshit (this is coming from someone who believes in hypnotherapy), its the humiliation Simon's just had to sit through thats really made Simons decision for him.

Does Simon love Farrah? The jury may always be out on that one. But I dont think well be seeing him much anymore.

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More here:

Amber Finally Calls Off Her Wedding on Teen Mom OG - Cosmopolitan.com