Bad days are a fact of life, no matter who you are and what your circumstances might be. Sometimes, bad things happen and you just can't control them—but what you can control is whether or not you react by turning the negativity inwards. As a society we tend to think that self-criticism is what keeps us motivated, and while that can indeed be a source of motivation to do better, it's a strategy that also reduces self-esteem, increases anxiety, and can ultimately lead to a depressed mental state. On the other hand, self-compassion is linked to reduced stress, anxiety, and depression, and higher self-esteem. People who practice self-compassion feel freer—to take risks, to try new things, to explore the world—because they allow themselves to fail and to make mistakes, without judging themselves and without feeling ashamed. Self-compassion isn't a skill that comes naturally, but it's one that can be learned, and can bring amazing benefits.

What is Self-Compassion?

Associate Professor Kristin Neff of the University of Texas at Austin—author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind—writes that self-compassion is made up of three different components:

• Kindness—being kind, gentle, and understanding with yourself when you're in physical or emotional pain. Recognizing that failure, pain, and suffering are inevitable facts of life, and that it's healthier to react with loving kindness than with self-hate.

• Humanity—the recognition that everyone struggles. In times of strife, we feel isolated and alone, and but recognizing our common humanity reminds us that everyone makes mistakes and feels pain. This allows us to feel less judgmental of ourselves; everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has personal faults, and mistakes and faults don't make you a terrible person.

• Mindfulness—the process of consciously observing what happens in your life without judgment, and without avoiding or suppressing your emotions and thoughts. It also means putting your pain into perspective. Rather than allowing yourself to get carried away with negativity, you'll feel and acknowledge pain, and move past it.

There are a lot of myths about what self-compassion is—that it's about self-pity, or self-involvement, or that it encourages people to ignore responsibilities. In fact, self-compassion is the opposite of self-pity. When someone is in a self-pitying state, they're so immersed in their struggle that they forget that they're not alone in that struggle; self-compassion, on the other hand, recognizes that struggle and suffering are something that everyone goes through, and it's that struggle that connects us to the rest of the world, even when we feel isolated. It's that connection that helps you put your problems into a more realistic perspective, and while self-compassion allows you to acknowledge your own suffering, it also reminds you that you're not alone in it.

Self-compassion also doesn't encourage people to ignore responsibilities or become self-indulgent—again, it's the exact opposite. It simply means that you support yourself, and far from being complacent, it encourages you to change whatever behavior you're perpetuating that's making you feel unhappy or unhealthy. For example, if you're constantly engaging in negative self-talk, then practicing self-compassion encourages you to find ways of reframing negative thoughts. If you're engaging in physically unhealthy behavior, self-compassion encourages you to find ways to reduce the unhealthy behavior, or take care of yourself physically to reduce its negative effects. The key is that when you're practicing self-compassion, you don't judge yourself for engaging in unhealthy behavior, whether or not you're actively trying to change it.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is an easy concept to understand, but it's hard to practice, and even harder to master. It's a natural reaction to respond to bad moments with negativity, and for many of us it's just as natural to turn those bad feelings inwards and use them to attack your own self-worth. The solution is self-compassion and kindness, and learning how to take control of the negative thoughts to reframe them into something positive.

Perhaps the most important and useful general rule is to treat yourself like your own best friend. Most of us are much harsher on ourselves than we'd ever be on a friend or family member, and we say things to or about ourselves that we'd never say to someone else. When you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, try to reframe what you're saying as though you're saying it to your best friend—someone you love very much, and whom you don't want to hurt—and always try to remember that you deserve that same level of compassion and kindness. There are many ways to practice being kinder to yourself, whether it's with self-care routines for cheering yourself up on bad days, or learning strategies for combating negative thoughts. For example, you can try guided meditation, positive affirmations, or comfort yourself physically with gestures that “take you out of your head” by engaging your physical self. If some of the tried-and-true strategies don't work for, you, don't worry—there's no single "right" thing to do; it's all about what works for you.

Acknowledge your mistakes, and then let them go. It's human nature to bring up old memories of embarrassing moments and errors—things we said or did that we wish we hadn't, errors in judgment, and times when we didn't live up to expectations—and spend far too long internally obsessing over them. While it's virtually impossible to stop yourself from bringing up old memories, you can resolve to think of your past self more kindly when it does happen.

Focus on growth, rather than improvement. Framing personal development as self-improvement can be a subtle way of telling yourself that you're not okay the way you are. Growth is a much more neutral term, because it doesn't imply that there's anything wrong with your current state.

Don't rush yourself or try to force things you're not ready for. Personal growth doesn't need to be rapid, or even consistent—often it's a case of one step forward and two steps back, and sometimes it's just about standing still to appreciate where you are and how far you've come.

References

http://www.psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/27/5-strategies-for-self-compassion/

http://www.vitalaffirmations.com/affirmations.htm

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201202/why-caring-yourself-makes-all-the-difference